Not Ready

Today marks the 5 month anniversary of Uncle Tellius' death. It hit me like a ton of bricks as I was writing the date in a patient's chart this morning. My heart cried out for Courtney as I celebrated Father's Day on Sunday with the knowledge that she was unable to pick up the phone and call her Daddy the way that I did. I was sorrowful as I tried to imagine my own life without Daddy...a reality that is closer rather than far away. The hope of twenty more years seems ridiculously short and inadequate, yet at least I have that hope.

I also had Mama, Aunt Gail and Uncle Chuck on my mind as I tried to imagine what they were feeling Sunday without Gramps. Although his death was more along the natural order of things, it doesn't lessen the impact of the loss, particularly on holidays. As I watched my children interact with Trevor and saw how much they love him I was thankful for his safe return to our little haven.

I am unable to articulate the depth of my grief regarding Uncle Tellius. I want to write about what a wonderful person he was, what solid faith he possessed, what impact his military service had on his life....there are so many things about him that I want to get out in the open, but I can't. Maybe I'm just not ready to open that wound yet. Even as I sit here typing I can't help but weep a little....for a life that seemed not quite finished, not entirely done. That is, of course, a human perspective. I know that God had a specific reason for Uncle Tellius' death and it may never be revealed to me. That's okay. If He thought I needed to know, I would.

But that doesn't stop me from grieving and carefully pulling out my memories of him to glance at briefly, and then shove back into the recesses of my mind. Holding them out in the light still hurts too much, but I know that one day I will be able to see them and enjoy them without tears and pain. I just keep holding on to that hope and look forward to the day that I can dust off those cobwebs and rejoice in the fact that I have memories to hold and cherish.