Busy Times

It's been a busy several weeks for us. We have been working hard to get the house ready to sell and the items on the to-do list have slowly been crossed off with great relief. We've painted rooms, replaced baseboards, painted ceilings, gutted the utility room and refinished it, and power washed the house. We've placed flowering plants outside the front door to increase curb appeal. We've packed away most of our personal pictures and mementos to make our home as neutral as possible, and we had someone come in and do a deep cleaning.

The house listed Wednesday, and we had our first potential buyer come see it yesterday evening. The only problem was that Nathan has been sick with a viral fever since Tuesday night, and I had to get him out of the house for about an hour when he wasn't feeling very well. He didn't complain and luckily the virus was on it's last legs, so all went well. Apparently the buyer just purchased the house next door, and he was looking at this one for his brother who has a wife and two children. How cool would that be to live next door to your brother or sister. It would be a dream come true for me!

We have someone else coming to see the house Sunday afternoon, so we'll see how all of this goes. When we started getting calls the day after we listed, I started getting anxious. What if someone offers what we're asking and we have to be out by May? What if we can't find a place in Tulsa? What if, what if, what if??!!! Do you know how ridiculous I felt after my brief moment of stress and speculation? Do you have any idea how faithful God has been to us during this time of change and upheaval?

My friend Kellye suggested that I write down all of the ways that God has been faithful during this time so that the next time I get discouraged I could look back and remember all that He has done for me. For instance:

• Trevor's company has a relocation package that is reminiscent of the eighties. All expenses paid from closing costs to providing a moving company to pack us up, move us and then unpack us when we get there. We have had very little stress regarding the financial side of this move, and that is a blessing.
• We found a Nine Marks church online that we plan to visit and that looks like it will be a good fit for our family.
• We already have friends and contacts in Oklahoma because of business Trevor has conducted there.
• The schools where we are planning to move are very good, and Gracie will begin Kindergarten there. He has given Nathan a peaceful spirit about this whole move and he is looking forward to starting third grade in a new place. Oh, and they will be in the same building for the first three years, which will be helpful in terms of getting them to school on time!
• The Monday before we listed the house, our neighbor had a landscaping company come out and clean his yard. Not much of a blessing until you realize that his backyard was still covered in debris from Hurricane Ike. Let me do the math for you...that was over 7 months ago. Just let your imagination run with that image.
• I have two job interviews when Trevor and I fly to Tulsa in May to look for housing. One is a PRN position (ideal) and the other is a full time (I'm not going to turn down a job!). Our goal is for me to stay home with the kids, and this PRN position would allow that.
• We have a dear friend who is listing our home for us and taking care of all the details. Not having to worry about any of that stuff has been such a blessing, and we know that her business dealings are filtered through a Christian worldview.

I have been praying for weeks now that God will make the path broad and easy to see with regard to this move, and He has been more than faithful to us. Every decision seems to have a clear direction, and so many doors have been opened. When I have my "what if" moments, I just remember His faithfulness, and that He is in control of this whole situation.

Trevor is in China this week, so any offers made on the house will have to wait until he gets home. He arrived safely this morning in Shanghai, and we were able to talk to him before he passed out in his hotel room! I'm so glad that it's only one week instead of two this time, but he's going to have a hard time adjusting to the time change with such a short turnaround. He'll get home the night before Easter around midnight, so we'll be doing Easter morning alone this year! My parents will be here though, and it will be fun to cook with my mom one last time in the kitchen. This will definitely be a meal for the china and crystal!

Home

The paint has been applied and put away. The miter saw and the leftover lumber has been neatly stored in the shed again. The closets have been cleaned, organized and gleaned of all superfluous items in anticipation of strangers gazing into their depths. The bookshelf inventories have been reduced by 2/3 so as to not intimidate prospective buyers, and the empty space has been filled with vases and other neutral items. The (temporary) housekeeper has made all surfaces shine.

Our house goes on the market tomorrow, and we are finally ready. With each passing day, I am reminded of how many memories I have of this house. It's been my home since I was four years old. A lifetime of memories tied up in this one place, and I'm already finding it difficult to let go. From sleepovers, parties, graduations and weddings to my first date, kiss and prom, they were all here. I have raised my children here for the last 4 years and have those memories to take with me as well.

I was baking a buttermilk pound cake last Saturday, and suddenly began to cry. How many of these cakes had been made in this very kitchen over the years? Every thing that I do reminds me that it's coming to an end. There will eventually be a last meal, a last evening, a last night to sleep under the roof that has sheltered me for most of my life. Then I will have to walk out the front door where I waited so many times for friends and family to walk through, and not look back. I will begin a new stage of my life that doesn't include this small town or the hundreds of things that I love about it.

Am I excited? Of course. I can't wait to get to Tulsa and carve out a new life there. I have new friends to make and relationships to forge, but I can't help but feel a sense of loss at what I'm leaving behind. I know it's just a building, but it's been mine for so long that I can't imagine anyone else occupying it's space. Each room is dear to me, full of laughter, tears and the day to day living that we all experience. It's home and I am sad to be leaving it behind.

Eight Years and Counting

I had to be at the hospital before dawn eight years ago to be prepped for a planned Cesarean. Our families gathered in the waiting room in the early morning hours, anxiously awaiting the birth of the first grandchild on both sides. Trevor held my hand and stroked my hair as they wheeled me into the OR, but was left behind until it was actually time.

Nurses bustled around me as the epidural was placed in my back, and I was laid down on the table in preparation for the doctor. He came barreling through the door and after a quick greeting, went to the task at hand. Trevor came in just as he began and we waited in eager anticipation to meet our son.

Then, like a wild bird whose call disturbs the quiet solitude of the early dawn, we heard the sound of his cry. Loud and lusty; the sound of life. I began to cry and Trevor hurried over to see what he looked like. "He has red hair!" he exclaimed as I strained to see him. The doctor held him up for a moment before they whisked him away to the warming table to clean and weigh him.

We knew that he was going to be a big baby, which is why I was having the section to begin with. Well, his size and the fact that I had not even begun to efface or dilate by my due date. So when they called out 9 lbs and 13 oz I shouldn't have been surprised but I was. I had given birth to a toddler!


Over the last eight years that baby has grown into an intelligent, imaginative sweet boy. He has blessed Trevor and me in ways that cannot be given words, and our lives will never be the same because of him. In eight more years he will be driving, and then eight beyond that a man with a family of his own. The years slip by like water through a sieve and I grasp at the drops trying fill my memory and my mind with their sweetness.

I can see glimpses of the man he will be...he so much like his father. But there is much of myself in him as well, and it pleases me to see him empathize with others and give of himself. His character is one of honesty and trustworthiness, and he stands by his friends. He has a mischievous smile that cracks me up when I see it, and a sweetness about his spirit that is beautiful to behold.


But no matter how old he gets or how far up I have to crane my neck to look at his face, there will always be a part of me that sees him as that perfect, soft baby who showed me for the first time how to love unconditionally.

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Psalm 127:3

Heart of Service

If you are a parent, then you know how brutally honest kids can be. In their innocence, they simply say the things that we would never dream because we have learned the social niceties that allow us to make and keep friends. For instance, I can't imagine being invited a second time for dinner if I announced that the main course was "yucky" and threw down my fork. Or for that matter being taken into a confidence again if I announced midway through a soul baring moment that "your breath stinks".

Our children reveal the very worst sides of our character (and personal hygiene), and early on we have to develop thick skin to endure the constant barrage of skin flaying honesty. My children have often pointed a spotlight on my most deep seated insecurities and flaws, and caused me to evaluate myself more carefully. But because of their honesty, their compliments mean so much more to me. They don't compliment to get things from me (yet!), and they haven't learned the art of manipulation (at least not to that degree!).

Trevor relayed a conversation that he had with Nathan the other day that did my heart a world of good.

Nathan: What is your favorite thing to do?

Trevor: I don't know...(thinking)

Nathan: Well, Mommy's favorite thing to do is help people, so what's yours?

He thinks my favorite thing to do is help people. In spite of the red-faced mad woman into which I transform when bathwater is splashed on the floor, homework is not completed in a timely manner and barked commands are not obeyed immediately he still thinks my favorite thing to do is help people.

I just love that little boy!

Livin' On Tulsa Time

Change. That little word can strike such fear in my heart. From the small things to the life altering, I resist change. I worry over it, spend sleepless nights thinking about it and generally work myself into a frenzy of stress holding on to it. So when Trevor came home 4 months ago with the news that we might be moving to Tulsa, my response was not what you would call open minded. As a matter of fact, I had a good sized boulder in the pit of my stomach when I allowed myself to think about it too much.

But over time I came to accept the idea, even embrace it. We began looking at real estate and discussing our finances. We were still waiting for official word from his company before we made any real decisions, but we felt fairly confident that we would be leaving Texas. Then he was told that the move was off due to the economy, and I breathed a little sigh of relief. I had gotten used to the idea, but I was glad that I didn't have to think about the actual move anymore. Finding a new job, childcare, a church...things that seemed so scary when I thought about them too long and too hard. The boulder dissolved and life went on.

I told my boss that I was staying, and informed the Sunday school class that I teach that they would have to put up with me for a least a little bit longer. I started thinking ahead to summertime childcare for Nathan and making plans for having family here in July. I felt a little bit wistful that we would not be moving, but on the whole glad we were staying with what was known and comfortable.

Then two weeks ago Trevor came home with the news that his company wanted him in Tulsa no later than August. We could pretty much move any time between now and then, but it was really happening. The boulder reappeared and suddenly I was back to contemplating when we would make the move, how we would sell the house in the current market and a myriad of other issues. I began to feel overwhelmed with the enormity of moving our family to another state and establishing new roots there.

Then I stopped in my tracks and said a quick prayer. My prayer was simple: "Lord, take this anxiety from my heart and remind me that you are in control and totally sovereign over all things. You are in both the details and the big picture and I can trust that all things will work for our good. It may not seem like it at the time, but I know that the end game has already been predetermined by You in Your wisdom and love. Please make the path broad and easy to see as we make plans for this move and give us wisdom and discernment to make choices that are pleasing to You. Amen."

This is the prayer that say every time I feel that boulder starting to weigh me down, and it's the one I pray every morning and night. There are so many plans to make and dreams to build, but the change seems less menacing when filtered though the knowledge that God is on our side and He will see us through to the end of this season in our lives. This time next year we will be wondering what all the fuss was about.

Better Late Than Never!

I'm usually pretty good about remembering birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions. I try to send a card or at least make a phone call so that the person celebrating knows that I am thinking of them. Every year when I get a new calendar to hang in the kitchen, I carefully transfer all the names written each month to the new one so I don't forget. Of course, these days I have them all in my iPhone as well, but I can't seem to let go of my paper calendar!

In recent months, I have been blogging less and and less. Partly a function of being busy with my life, but partly because I find myself with not much to say. Trevor (and my entire family)would laugh out loud at that statement, but I don't always feel as though I have anything worth writing down for posterity. Maybe that's why I completely missed by blogoversary this year. Or maybe it's because I've spent more time reading other blogs and not so much writing on mine, and so March 7 came and went without fanfare. Of course, it might have more to do with the fact that I was in Louisiana visiting family at the time.

I'm excited about reaching this 2 year milestone, because it means that I can have year two published in a book. I already have Volume 1 on my bookshelf, and I can't wait to add Volume 2. I use a service called Blurb and it is the coolest thing ever. It basically "slurps" your blog into the software and then you edit your book page by page. The final product is a book full of pictures and memories that can be read by my children when they are older, which is the whole point of my blog.

I decided to make a short list of some of my favorite posts from the last two years in honor of my belated blogoversary.

• The Day I Changed My Name
• I Am My Beloved's
• Smugness is Not a Fruit of the Spirit
• The Magical Panties
• Forgotten Lives
• Two Are Better Than One
• Poster Child for Crankiness

So, Happy Blogoversary to me and here's to another year of memories.

Waving Me Home

The first house that I remember from my childhood is the one where my grandparents lived. The front living room where the Christmas tree was proudly displayed. The huckleberry bushes in the backyard where we chased one another in circles until we were dizzy, and picked berries for muffins. The swing set where I would swing and sing to my Pillsbury Dough Boy doll. The little green bowls from which Granny would serve us ice cream that she had mashed up to make it easier to eat. Watching Gramps make Coke floats by scooping up the ice cream and then hitting the handle to make the ice cream pop in the air and land in the blender.

Squealing with glee when Gramps would trap us in his legs and tickle us. Laying on their bed and staring at the picture of Granny on the wall, dreaming of being that beautiful. The smell of Gramps' van with it's mixture of paint and turpentine, and the splatters of paint on his clothes. Sweeping the front porch with Granny. The Christmas I got my Curious George stuffed animal. Falling asleep on the couch listening to the gospel quartet practice. Being more than slightly afraid of Uncle Chuck when he threatened to skin me alive, because he was in college and I never knew if he was serious or not.

Hundreds of memories fill my mind when I think of that old house. Then they moved when I was about 6, and I made more memories. Courtney and I pulling up the grass by the new house thinking we were helping, when in fact it was grass Gramps had planted to sod the area. Playing with Granny's old hats in the back bedroom with my cousins, and sleeping under the old, heavy quilts in the winter. Playing hide and seek outside in the dark. Running through the rows and rows of corn stalks in the garden, then hiding from Gramps because we were afraid to admit we had fallen on some of them. Picking buckets and buckets of blackberries for cobbler.

Riding Gramps' lawn mower with the deck pulled up and then running it into a tree. Playing in Gramps' wood shop for hours and the smell of fresh cut lumber. The sound of the men watching football in the living room, their voices loud and masculine as they rose and fell along with the game. The smell of good cooking coming from the kitchen, the feminine voices trading secrets and enjoying time together. The feel of Granny's cool hand on my forehead when I had a fever.


So many memories made there, but the one that brought me to my knees when I was home this last time was so simple. For as long as I can remember, I've been saying goodbye to Granny and Gramps. We would drive over from Texas for a visit, but eventually it had to end and we had to leave. Granny and Gramps would stand at the end of the sidewalk (at the first house) or driveway (at the second) as we left. I can see them in my mind's eye even now...Gramps' arm around Granny, and both of them waving us off. I remember crying as little girl when we had to leave, and kneeling in the back seat so that I could keep them in my line of sight as long as possible. They never went inside before I lost sight of them.

As I got older, it became a bit of a joke and we would wave to them like Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies, holding one arm up with the other as we waved goodbye. But they still waved us on until we were gone. All through my childhood, teenage years and young adulthood, Granny and Gramps always waved me home when our visit came to an end. It was so much a part of the trip home, that I never really though much about it and how much it meant to me.


I stopped at Granny and Gramps' house (I can't stop calling it that, even though Gramps has been gone for 2 and half years) to see Granny as we left town to drive back to Texas. She had started a fern from a cutting taken from a plant that belonged to her mother, and it was big enough for me to take it. The kids and I said our goodbyes and began to buckle up. Without even looking up I said, "Wave goodbye to Granny" and put the Tahoe in reverse. I looked up and saw that there was no one there. Granny had gone inside without waving us down the driveway.

Now I don't mean that as a complaint against Granny. She is 81 years old and she doesn't have any business standing out in the driveway, waving her arthritic shoulder out of place just to satisfy an old memory of mine. But as the tears pricked hotly behind my eyes, I couldn't help but feel as though a chapter of my childhood was finally coming to a close. My heart was heavy with a sense of loss that was almost tangible because I would never see my grandparents standing shoulder to shoulder again, smiling at me as I drove away.

But as I mulled over my feelings from that morning, I was comforted by one thought. One day, Granny and Gramps will be among the many people that I hold dear who will be waving me on to the throne room in heaven. They will be looking at me with love shining in their eyes, standing shoulder to shoulder and welcoming me to a home that will be eternal, where there will be no more tears and no more sorrow. Just an eternity of glorifying God and praising Him alongside all the ones who have gone before me, and I can't wait.

We're Going Home!

Nathan and Grace are on spring break next week, so we are going to Louisiana this weekend. Since Trevor and I both work full-time, child care tends to be an issue during holidays and breaks. We decided that I would take vacation on Monday and Tuesday and he would take it the rest of the week to stay home with the kids. Since I'm going to have an extra long weekend, I decided to go home for a visit.

The kids are so excited about seeing Nannie and Papa, Aunt Rose and Uncle Dave, and all the other people that we love. I'm hoping to arrive around 8 o'clock this evening so the kids will still be awake enough to see Mama and Daddy for a little while. I plan to sleep late tomorrow and then enjoy a hot cup of coffee at the kitchen table with my mom as we catch up. Mama and I talk all the time, so there is usually not much to actually "catch up" on, but we always enjoy the company.

Amber and David have invited us over to their house for lunch, and we are going to spend the afternoon and night with them. They have been in their new home less than a year, and I am excited about seeing it again. My sister has incredible taste, and her house is just beautiful. I am bringing our Wii since they have never played with one, and it will be a great way to hurt entertain ourselves. Aside from the fact that I want to see Amber and David, I would never hear the end of it if we didn't go over to their house, because Nathan and Grace are in love with Jackson. He is the sweetest border collie ever, and I'm sure that all I will hear on the 5 hour trip over there, are questions about Jackson.

What day are we going to see him?
Do you think he has gotten bigger?
Will he want to play?
Can he sleep with us?
Can I throw him a ball?

Oh yes. It's going to be a long trip without Trevor. Thank goodness for the portable DVD players for the backseat!

Sunday we going to Amber and David's church, since we've never attended there before. They just love their new pastor, and were delighted to find a Nine Marks church in their area. I'm excited about hearing him preach, and to meet some of their friends. After church it will be back to Mama and Daddy's for lunch, and I'm sure that Uncle Chuck and Granny will be there. We'll just spend the afternoon relaxing and visiting, which is perfectly fine with me. Aunt Gail will be there in the evening to hang out and see the kids, so it will be a wonderful ending to the day.

Monday, while everyone is at work, I plan to take the kids out to see my grandmothers. Probably Granny E in the morning, and then Granny T in the afternoon. The only real plan I have is to bring all the ingredients for a lemon icebox pie to Granny T, and take pictures of her making it. This dessert is her specialty and it is incredible! I made one the other day, but it just wasn't quite the same so I want to see her make it.

Tuesday will be spent travelling back to Texas. We'll leave midday so that we're not fighting traffic, and so that I'll have a few minutes to catch my breath before I have to go back to work on Wednesday. I'm already anticipating my reunion with Trevor. It's going to be a great weekend!

A Brand New Day

It's day six on the ADHD medicine for Nathan, and I am pleased to report that he is doing splendidly! I've been keeping a journal of his ups and downs so that I can show it to his pediatrician at the end of the 30 day trial period. My mom suggested doing this, and for the 328 billionth time in my life, I'm so glad I took her advice! It's helped me to keep track of his behavior, and to be more aware of his progress because I know that I need to write it all down. I tend to notice things better when I know it's going on a list. (Thank you OCD, thank you.)

The first day, we did not see much of a change in terms of his behavior, but we expected it to take a few days for the medication to build up in his system. Day two brought more focus, less distractability and less superfluous movement, but his personality was completely intact and was not at all "zombie-like" or depressed.

Day three was a Saturday, and he had great success working on a school project for about two hours. Not only did he focus on the work at hand, he was not distracted by the normal sounds of the household going on around him. Trevor was cooking dinner and I was playing with Grace rather loudly, and he still sat there and completed his work. The old Nathan would have taken any opportunity to leap off the chair and into the fray until he had escalated it to inappropriate levels of jubilant yelling and laughing. That was always part of his problem...not knowing when to stop. We would lecture, discipline, encourage, threaten and talk until we were blue in the face and he still was unable (we thought unwilling) to calm down. I can see now that his exuberance was linked to his inability to control impulsive behavior.

He was able to sit still during dinner without fidgeting (any more than a normal 71/2 year old, that is!) and jumping up and down in his seat. This has been an ongoing battle with him for years. He could not sit still to save his life, and now we are able to have interesting conversations at dinner without constantly telling him to sit down and eat!

His teachers have noticed a marked improvement in his behavior and focus as well. They have been sending me updates by email that have been a Godsend for me. I was so worried about this medication and it's potential side effects, and it was such a blessing to know that his teachers were looking out for him and keeping us informed.

The very best part of the medication is that we haven't lost Nathan. He is still the sweet, intelligent, kind child that I know and love and his personality is completely intact. He still wants to run around and play with Grace, but it's not out of control. He still laughs loudly and appreciatively at things only a seven year old finds amusing, and he still asks me crazy questions and makes insanely astute observations about the world around him. He's still Nathan, just a little more under control. To be honest, he seems happier to me as though he is finally comfortable with himself. He's proud that he can do his best at school.

The other day he said, "I'm not always thinking about the next thing I'm gonna do." This was huge for him, because that was the very heart of his focus issue. His brain was always flitting to and fro to the next thing he wanted to do, no matter how much he was enjoying the current activity. Now he is able to appreciate what he is doing and do his best.

The only side effect that we have noticed so far is difficulty falling asleep, and even this seems to be easing up a bit. He's always been a good sleeper, and instead of sleeping 10 hours a night, he's sleeping 8.5. Not too much of a change, but enough to make me keep track of his waking and sleeping schedule. We give him his pill around 5:45am to try and offset the sleeplessness a bit, and I think that as his body gets used to the medicine this side effect will lessen.

The thirty days aren't nearly finished yet, and we still have a journey ahead of us but I am greatly encouraged by what we've seen so far.

Spectacular Sins (Chapter 6)

We have arrived at week seven of the book club and with it comes one of my favorite stories in the bible, the tale of Joseph and his brothers. A tale of jealousy, betrayal, deception and murderous intent, but at the same time a tale of love, faithfulness and restoration. Probably one of the most compelling stories in the bible for God's complete and total sovereignty over all things, good and evil.

Lisa gave us a series of questions to answer, based on a personal experience:

Looking back, describe an event that was both intended as evil and good. Are you allowing God's purposes to prevail or have you been content in accepting the evil consequences? Explain. I am going to direct everyone to something I posted last year. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you will recall this story. It was an emotionally draining situation, and it could have turned out so differently. In that particular case, I was able to see how God used the situation to grow me spiritually. I think that so many events in our lives are simply vehicles for God to teach us something about His character...just, holy, loving, faithful, jealous, righteous. In my case, He used something that only affected me indirectly to show me my own sinful behavior. It could have gone either way. I could have become even more bitter towards the people who had wronged my husband, or I could have taken the chance to reflect on the state of my own heart. Thankfully, by the guidance of the Holy Spirit I was able to accept the chastening for what it was...an opportunity to grow.

One thing that really resonated with me was Joseph's faithfulness no matter what was perpetrated against him. Are we being faithful in less than desirable situations so that God can make the most of them? How are lives being preserved as a result of your experience? When I read this question, I thought immediately of my children. My example in times of great trouble or difficulty goes beyond what I am learning, but has a permanent and lasting effect on the lives of my children. Do I want them to face adversity with a willing spirit, leaning on the strength of Jesus Christ, or do I want them to face it with bitterness and anger? I think they learn so much more about real faithfulness when they see me react once with grace and mercy in a difficult situation, than if I were to be gracious and merciful 10 times over during the good times. I pray that my faithfulness will preserve their lives in an eternal way, by being the example that leads them to a relationship with Christ.

A Difficult Decision

What thoughts and feelings does the phrase ADHD evoke in your mind? Hyperactive? Unfocused? Child who is not disciplined enough? Over medication? Misdiagnosis?

Yeah...me too. Which is why I am having such a hard time dealing with Nathan's recent diagnosis of ADHD. We had been having issues with his behavior and inability to focus for some time now. As early as Kindergarten, the teachers had trouble getting him to focus on a task, and to sit still for any appreciable amount of time. We dismissed it as a function of his age and his creativity since he was doing well academically and was even placed in the gifted and talented pool for 1st and 2nd grade.

The most challenging part for us was dealing with the discipline issues he was having at school. From all accounts, he was never defiant or willfully disobedient, but he was constantly getting in trouble for not keeping his hands to himself, playing at inappropriate times and generally not having any impulse control. It was difficult because the child we had at home did not behave this way. This is not to say that we have a model child who never acted out or threw a fit. It does mean that we had a healthy boy who enjoyed imaginative play, and would forget himself in the moment. We were constantly reining him in as he became increasingly hyper with the ever present reminder to CALM DOWN!!

Early this school year, his teacher mentioned in passing that Nathan had real difficulty sitting in his desk and following what was going on in class. For the first time I had the thought that maybe there was more to his behavior than I first thought. When he was younger, I figured it was just hard for a small child to sit still and not fidget all day long in school. But he was now entering the realm of elementary school where he would be expected to sit still and pay attention. For the first semester of school, his grades varied wildly. He still made As and Bs, but he would have a 97 one six weeks, and then it would drop to 82 the next.

He continued to have issues with his behavior, and I appealed to the expert on all things education in my life, Mama. I figured that earning her doctorate in education qualified her to give advice on this subject, so I called her. It wasn't the first call, but it was the first time that I was really seeking guidance. She suggested several things to try and help him focus better, but the one that we really did was puzzles. I bought several puzzles and we began to put them together. Nathan had no problem sitting for an hour doing a puzzle, but it was not without much bouncing up and down in his chair and getting up to stand while he worked.

We tried positive reinforcement for good days at school, and did our best to react appropriately to the bad days. It didn't seem to matter what we did, Nathan's behavior and attention to his academic work did not change. We called his teachers for a conference in February, just to get a feel for where he was socially and academically and to see if they had any suggestions. The conference was very enlightening, and his teachers clearly had a passion for teaching and for seeing each child do their best. They had many good things to say about him, including the fact that he was always polite and that he never lied. Even when faced with punishment, he would not lie about doing something wrong. More than anything else, that made me proud because it made me feel like the really important things we are teaching him are actually sinking in.

In spite of their praise for his manners and intellect, they both expressed concern at his inability to focus and to sit still. Both had tried changing the location of his seat and the people sitting near him. We saw that his desk was in the back of the room next to the teacher's desk. She said she finally put him there so he could stand up or kneel in his chair while he was working and not distract the other students. What we found was that both teachers had tried alternative techniques to allow him to work in a way that made him more comfortable, but it still was not working. They were still having the constantly redirect him to his work or to what was going on in class.
Trevor and I made the decision to take him to the pediatrician to have him tested for ADHD. We did it with trepidation, because of personal family experience with a cousin who was misdiagnosed with ADHD, treated for several years with no success, then correctly diagnosed as bipolar. We were understandably concerned about misdiagnosis. What if he was really just acting like a normal almost 8 year old? He was certainly able to focus for hours when he was creating something with his Legos.

Our pediatrician carefully examined him, and then ordered blood work to rule out any metabolic problems like diabetes, thyroid issues or hypoglycemia. The blood work came back completely normal, and we were asked to fill out a form designed to measure the different qualities of ADHD. We had one and so did his teachers. We filled them out, and brought them back to the MD yesterday for evaluation. She reviewed them, and then graphed the data for us so we could see where Nathan fell in terms of exhibiting the signs of ADHD. The higher the score, the more likely the child had ADHD.

Not surprisingly, Nathan scored very low on cognitive ability and on response to authority. Those scores were well within the normal range for a boy his age. But with the behaviors related to hyperactivity and attention deficit, he was clearly within the range of ADHD diagnosis.

Can I just say that I was devastated? I really though that we were going to walk out of there with some suggestions for behavior modification, and we would just keep on keeping on. But when she pulled out the prescription pad and started writing it out for a ADHD drug, I seriously wanted to cry. Were we about to become a statistic? One of the many parents whose child was misdiagnosed and improperly medicated? How could we be sure? Were we doing the right thing?

So many things ran through my head, and as I sat there with tears welling in my eyes, I had to give myself a good mental shake and say, "You're being ridiculous! She didn't just say that Nathan has cancer or an incurable disease! She carefully and thoughtfully diagnosed him with ADHD! GET A GRIP!" That calmed me a little bit as well as a quick prayer sent heavenward, reminding me that God is in control.

We asked some questions about dosage, side effects and length of use and then it was over. She instructed us to call her if he had any of several symptoms she mentioned, and that she wanted him to try the medication for 30 days. At the end of that time, she wanted to re-evaluate him.

So, here I am at the end of day 1. I thought about him all day long, and was thankful that he has teachers who understood my concern and kept me informed all day about how he was doing by email. There was not a dramatic difference in his behavior, but the MD said that it would take some time for Nathan to settle into the medication. Relieved that he did not experience any adverse side effects today, I feel a little better about giving it to him tomorrow.

Every time that I called a friend or family member to tell them what was going on, I felt like I needed to explain myself. It was like I was trying to convince myself that we had done the right thing, and was pleading that we not be judged. With all the kids who are labeled hyperactive and medicated for just being children, we were afraid that we would be judged as bad parents for even considering medication for Nathan.

The bottom line is that I trust his pediatrician, and I trust his teachers. Giving him medication is scary for me, but I know that we still have the authority as his parents to stop it at any time if we feel it is having an adverse effect on his mental or physical well-being. The fact of the matter is that we know Nathan better than anyone besides God, and we really feel like we are doing what is best for him right now. We are loving, committed parents, equally involved in his life and we are not substituting medication for good parenting and biblical discipline.

So, we'll see what happens now. Our family is supported by an army of prayer warriors, and I know that no matter how dimly I see the future, God is working all things for our good.

And the path that be my portion,
May be through flame or flood
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered by His blood.
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

"I Know Who Holds Tomorrow"--Ira Stanphill

Spectacular Sins (Chapter 5)

It's week six and John Piper is still hitting me hard with some incredible truths and giving me so much to think about regarding sin and God's sovereignty. This post is a little late, but I felt sort of lukewarm about this week's study. Maybe because I was ready to answer the questions on Monday when I was off, but didn't get the questions until Tuesday. It sort of put me in a funk, and I didn't want to answer them at all (I wonder what category of sin pouting goes into?) but then received a concerned text from a friend who was checking in because she knew that I had not posted my answers.

I realized that there was absolutely no reason that I should be putting this off. Lisa and Missy are very busy with husbands, children and LIVES, and getting my nose out of joint because they didn't get the questions to a book club posted by an imaginary time in my head (thus upsetting the delicate balance of OCD and normality in my brain) was just ridiculous. So I offer a heart felt apology to Lisa and Missy who never would have known what a freak I am if I had not posted this, but somehow felt that I needed to confess. I truly appreciate the hard work and effort you guys put into this study and for suggesting it in the first place!

And Linda...thanks for the text and for reminding me what friends are for!

1) What were the primary motivations of the people who endeavored to build the Tower of Babel? The love of praise and the love of security, which I think all sort of stem from the sin of pride.

2) Why did God consider is a sin to live in a city? Because they were trying to exalt themselves to the place of God, instead of dispersing and filling the earth with his glory. They were being disobedient to the command God gave Noah after the flood to "be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth by "clustering" together in a city. I have to believe that we are not so different today...how often do we follow the "mob mentality" instead of doing what we know is absolutely right? We need acceptance and friendship, and will sometimes go to great lengths to be part of the in crowd despite the still small voice telling us otherwise.

3) Of the five ways that Christ's glory is magnified by the spectacular sin of the Tower of Babel (pp 69-72) which one resonates with you the most, and why? Christians guarded; I never thought of the story of the Tower of Babel in quite this way. Piper says, "God's division of the world into different languages hinders the rise of a global, monolithic anti-Christian state that would have the power to simply wipe out all Christians. We humans are far too evil to be allowed to unite in one language or one government." I guess it resonated with because it was such an utterly new thought for me.

4) Can you provide an example of the way that the Gospel of Christ takes root in literally thousands of different cultures, despite language barriers, social mores, existing religious practices, etc.? What does this say about the "uniqueness" of Christianity? I have friends from high school who are now living in Germany, and in their last update were talking about attending church in a place where the language is not well know to them. In spite of the barrier, they were still able to worship and praise God alongside a congregation of German speaking people.

5) How are you also guilty of sin in the ways the Tower of Babel builders were? Where do you seek comfort apart from the Lord? I have the spiritual gift of service, and I like to think that I always seek to serve others from a sincere heart and a love of Christ, but the truth is that I enjoy the praise that comes from serving others. I crave approval and validation for my work, and sometimes I let the lack of recognition simmer in my heart as the sin of pride. Sometimes it's easier to overcome than other times, but the bottom line is that I should resist those feelings altogether. The only approval I need is from God, and any recognition or praise from man should be secondary to knowing that I glorified Him and that He is pleased with my efforts. If anything, I should try to serve others in such a way that they only see Him and not me.

When I try to seek comfort apart from the Lord, all I am doing is wallowing in my own sin. Complaining to my husband and friends is just as sinful as loving praise, and I just compound my guilt.

6) My husband often says that at the root of every sin is pride (and I have yet to be able to prove him wrong). Was this true in the case of these people? How can you confront and rebuke your own pride? I think being aware of it is the first step. That sounds so trite, but it's very true. If you are blinded as to why you behave in a certain way, then you'll never be able to overcome it. I think that if we were all willing to stop for a moment and humble ourselves before God and man, we would get a lot more accomplished as the body of Christ. If we stopped criticizing others to make ourselves look better, if we stopped thinking that certain jobs are "beneath" us and just jumped in with both feet to whatever task God has prepared for us, if we stopped....well, the list could go on and on. I really believe that pride hinders our ability to spread the gospel effectively and renders us impotent to fully glorify Him in all that we do.

Making Memories

Trevor and I spent a good portion of this evening playing Canasta. We go in phases, usually jump started by a gathering of his family. We'll play for an afternoon, and then still have the bug the following week so we play one on one for a while.

We had his family over last Sunday for a lunch celebrating his parent's 40th wedding anniversary. We had a wonderful time, and completed the day by playing Canasta. Apparently, playing cards was a favorite past time when his parents, aunts and uncles were younger. I never met his paternal grandfather, but from the stories told round the kitchen table, he was a legendary player of Canasta.

When I married into Trevor's family, I learned how to play Spades, dominoes and Canasta, among other things. There have been so many afternoons spent after lunch at his parent's table talking, laughing and playing games as the bright sunshine faded into the mellow blues and purples of twilight. The lights would be turned on, leftover's taken out between hands and the gaming would continue until our eyes were blurry and the kids were nodding off.

This is the stuff life is made of. The big events are wonderful...birthdays, anniversaries, weddings and graduations...but the most important moments are the ones that we aren't even aware we are creating. The laughing until you cry moments, the small head on your shoulder moments and the cozy evenings by the fire with your family moments. The ones that make up the very fabric of our existence, and that make us who we are.

As we were playing cards in the dining room, Gracie pulled out the dominoes in the living room. She was quietly stacking them and then putting them back in the tin, when Nathan sat down next to her. After a moment, she asked him,

Would you like to enjoy me?

Trevor and I locked eyes over our cards and stifled laughs. She asked him again, and Nathan was so confused he didn't know what to say. I finally explained to him that she was asking him if he would like to join her. Not enjoy her, because that would wrong on so many levels. How's that for a memory?

Spectacular Sins (Chapter 4)

Wow. This week's chapter was rich in theology and really stretched my brain in terms of revisiting the concept of God's permissive will and His causative will. Lots of information to process, and many verses to read and absorb. Lisa only asked one question this week:

You are in a coffee shop reading your Bible. A stranger sits beside you and asks, "How can you believe in a God who allows terrorists to fly into towers or children to starve and die?" Based on all we've learned so far, what do you say?

I have been asked similar questions by believers and unbelievers alike, and I always counter with another question. What do we deserve and why do we deserve it? It all goes back to the fall of man. “Therefore, just as through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned” (Rom. 5:12). Because of Adam’s sin, we are sinners. Not only sinners, but the bible says that “the Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great on the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually” (Gen. 6:5).

So what we deserve is death for our sin, and it’s because sin entered the world through Adam. Every one born deserves the wrath of God…Paul calls us children of wrath in Ephesians. The horrible things that happen in this world—child abuse, murder, rape, terrorism—are a result of our sinful nature. The bible tells us that when people reject Him, he gives them over to their sinful nature (And because they did not think it worthwhile to have God in their knowledge, God delivered them over to a worthless mind to do what is morally wrong. They are filled with all unrighteousness, evil, greed, and wickedness. They are full of envy, murder, disputes, deceit, and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, arrogant, proud, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, and unmerciful. Although they know full well God's just sentence—that those who practice such things deserve to die—they not only do them, but even applaud others who practice them. Romans 1:28-32). The logical conclusion is that in His sovereign will, he also restrains people from indulging in the sinful desires of their hearts.

When we hear about the atrocities committed on a daily basis, we should praise God that He restrains men as often as He does. It’s when we see the outpouring of our sinful nature in the form of abuse and attacks, that we can fully see how God does far more restraining than He does permitting. He bears patiently with us, but sometimes uses horrible things to display His glory more fully, and to show how sinful man really is.

“Or does not the potter have a right over the clay, to make from the same lump one vessel for honorable use, and another for common use? What if God, although willing to demonstrate His wrath and to make His power known, endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction? And He did so in order that He might make known the riches of His glory upon vessels of mercy, which He prepared beforehand for glory, even us whom He also called, not from among Jews only, but also from among Gentiles” (Rom. 9:21-24).

So how do I believe in a God that allows such things to happen to “innocent” people? None of us are innocent. Not one. Not even those of us who are saved by grace, but that is the beauty of salvation. We deserve to die, and yet we live by the gracious outpouring of love and mercy at the cross.

I guess the better question would be, "How do you believe in a God who made a way for you to live, even though the thoughts and intents of your heart are evil continually?" This was really heavy theology and I hope that I made my point without appearing callous to the despair and misery of those who are abused, starving and suffering. I only mean to say that we are all deserving of God's holy wrath, and the miracle is that He offered salvation at all.

No Explanation Necessary

If you are a mom, you've probably had this (or some variation) happen to you at some point or another. We decided to laugh about it, which was much better than the screaming my head off, what were you thinking, option. (The little one is our nephew, Nick)

Valentine's Day

In spite of my post last year, I decided to do this Valentine's Day meme that I saw on Kimberly's blog. I still think that Valentine's Day sets people up for unfulfilled, imaginary expectations. Some guys are romantic by nature, and some guys aren't. If your man isn't, you are putting a ton of pressure on him to perform, whether you realize it or not. Trevor works with a kid who is dating someone, and he was so stressed out over how to plan Valentine's Day. Since a card and dinner don't appear to be enough these days, guys are spending enough money for a car payment on impressing their significant other.

OK...I'm slowly backing away from my soap box now. (And trying to ignore the dismal use of tenses in the previous paragraph.) Did I get my husband a card this year? Yes. Did he get one for me? No. Do I care? Not in the least. Do you know why? Because I started my morning by rolling over into his sleepy, warm chest and felt his arms go around me. Happy Valentine's greetings were exchanged and I was happy.

Didn't I say I stepping off the box? So, here's the meme, if for no other reason than to stop me from talking any more...



♥How long have you been together? We've been married almost 12 years.

♥ How long did you know each other before you started dating? 11 years (we were friends throughout Junior and High school.)

♥ Who asked who out? Trevor called me when he was on leave from the Navy for our normal dinner and catch up session.

♥ How old are each of you? I am 37 and Trevor is 36.

♥ Whose siblings do/ did you see the most? His brother Will (they live 6 houses down from us!)

♥ Do you have any children together? Yes, Nathan (7) and Grace (4)

♥ What about pets? Yes, one cat named Zoe

♥ Did you go to the same school? Yes, that's where we met. We both played trombone in the band.

♥ Are you from the same home town? We grew up in the same town...I moved there from Louisiana when I was 4.

♥ Who is the smartest? We are both smart in different ways. He is an engineer, so there is NO way I could compete with that kind of intellect, but I know my stuff in therapy. We are both well read and it's wonderful being married to a person with whom I can have a real conversation about anything.

♥ Who is the most sensitive? We both are but in different ways

♥ Where do you eat out most as a couple? Chili's

♥ Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? We went to Italy in 2002...I would love to go back.

♥ Who has the worst temper? Without a doubt, I hold this dubious honor. He has a fuse about a mile long.

♥ Who does the cooking? We both do it during the week, but I do most of it on the weekends, and all of it for holidays and family gatherings.

♥Who is the neat freak? We go in phases..sometimes it's me, and sometimes it's him.

♥ Who is the more stubborn? This meme is not putting me in a very good light! Again, without a doubt, me.

♥ Where was your first date? The Black-Eyed Pea and then (I can't believe I'm announcing this to the world) we saw Mars Attacks.

♥ Who has the bigger family? I do. I have 2 siblings and he has 1.

♥ Do you get flowers often? Not really. I loved getting flowers when I was single, but now that I'm married and know how much that stuff costs, I'd rather have dinner out or a movie!

♥ How do you spend the holidays? Once we had kids, we decided that Christmas morning was to be spent at home, but otherwise we alternate Thanksgivings with our families and we spend Christmas Eve with his parents. My parents usually drive in a few days after Christmas and we celebrate with them.

♥ How long did it take to get serious? A few days. We had been friends so long, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized he was "the one"

♥ Who eats more? Me. Trevor is one of those fortunate people who sees food as a necessary part of staying alive. I see it as an opportunity to please the palate and I will eat even when I'm not hungry (which explains why I am eternally on a diet and he looks slim and trim!)

♥ Who’s better with the computer? Trevor

♥ Who drives when you are together? Trevor. He gets carsick unless he's driving, so it's sort of by default that he drives on long trips. Sometimes he has to have help (like the time we drove straight through from Houston to Denver), and I drove too, but most of our trips are 5 hours or less so it's not a problem.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Thirty Six Years Ago

Thirty six years ago a young couple drove to the hospital in the snow. It was an unusual event for southeast Texas, but not unheard of. The young woman was frightened as her labor pains came closer and closer together, and all the young man could think of was getting her to the hospital.

Thirty six years ago, a baby boy was born into a family that loved and nurtured him. He was the first grandson on his mother's side, and one of many on his father's. He had red hair like her and a stubborn streak like him.

Thirty six years ago, as the young man and woman looked in wonder at their first child's angelic face, they had dreams in mind for him. They wanted him to grow strong and to be healthy...to be kind and considerate. As he grew, they gave him the tools he needed to be a man. She loved and nurtured him, showing him what real devotion was, and he showed the child how to be a husband and a father.

Thirty six years ago, my husband was born. God knew before his conception that he would one day become a husband and father. He knew what Trevor would need to fulfill his destiny, and used his parents to mold him into the man he is today.

So, today I say a prayer of thanksgiving for three people. The young man and woman who raised him to be a man of worthy character, and for the man himself who has brought me untold joy since he came into my life.

Happy birthday, Trevor!

Spectacular Sins (Chapter 3)

It's week four of our online book club, and I am still excited about this book. There is much about Satan that we will not know until we get to heaven, but Piper gives some great tools for dealing with the evil that is in this world.

1. On page 40 Piper tells us that the name Satan means "accuser." Do you ever feel accused? I know I do. Sometimes I lie in bed at night and obsess over all the ways I have failed throughout the day, or I relive all the sins of my past. Turn in your bibles (or click here) to read Romans 8:1-2. What does this verse say?

Because of my salvation, I no longer stand condemned before God. I still sin, which requires repentance and forgiveness, but I am not condemned.

If this is true, from whom are all those accusations of failure?
Satan.
What then should we do when our thoughts go there?
We have to resist the condemnation of the devil, and call to mind the scripture that affirms our perfection in Christ. I Peter 5:9-11 Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

What is the difference between condemnation of our sin by the Evil One and conviction of our sin by the Holy Spirit?
Our condemnation by Satan is not edifying…it rejoices in our weakness and is joyful because of our sin. The polar opposite is the encouraging, edification of the holy Spirit. It moves us to repent of our sin, and to be changed for the better.
2. How does God allowing Satan to live bring glory to Christ?
The sharp contrast of Satan’s evil plots and schemes and Christ’s perfect love and grace, brings Christ’s glory into clear focus. We can’t help but see His glory when we see fellow Christians bearing up under the burden of pain and difficulty, or when we see the love of Christ being displayed through willful acts of kindness and service in spite of opposition.

3. Read the 'Eight Things to Do with Evil" and "Four Things to Never Do with Evil" lists on pages 50-51. Which of these do you have the most problem with?
Expose evil. This one seems pretty simple, but it becomes more complicated in my daily life. I know what is right and wrong, but how do I expose it? Does this mean that I simply walk away from situations that might cause temptation (i.e. a gossip session at work), or does it mean that I should actively speak up for what I know to be true? It seems that not participating is not the same as exposing.

4. Recall Piper's introduction, specifically pages 13-16 when he speaks of persecution of the Church. Since December I have been praying for Martha Samuel Makkar. She is an Egyptian sister in Christ who converted from Islam, and has faced persecution ever since. In December, she was arrested at the airport when she tried to immigrate to Russia. Martha was placed in prison, tortured, raped, and her two and four year old sons were denied food in an attempt to cause her to renounce Christ. She was recently released on bail and is awaiting trial. You can read her story here and here (and please join me in praying!)

How might the truths Piper has conveyed in this chapter regarding evil - the "weighty doctrine" - bring comfort to Martha and her family while she undergoes persecution for Christ?
The fact that no matter what happens to her or her family, it’s all temporary. Satan can hurt and even kill our bodies, but he can never destroy our souls. We are instructed to rejoice in our afflictions, because they bring us endurance, character and hope. Romans 5:1-5 Therefore, since we have been declared righteous by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Also through Him, we have obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope does not disappoint, because God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

iPod Touch Giveaway

I was over at Rhonda's blog, and read about this giveaway. Mommy Daddy Blog is giving away something you’d love to have; a shiny spankin’ new 2nd Gen 8GB iPod Touch MP3 player and a $10 iTunes gift card! Click here to enter this sweet giveaway!

No matter what time of year, free stuff is always great! Head over there and enter to win.

Fresh Air

Today is a beautiful day. It's cool, clear and breezy. I have all the doors and windows thrown open to welcome the outside in, and I'm basking in the beams of sunlight that make their way over to my chair.

Trevor and I went on a date last night to celebrate his birthday. He wanted to see the movie "Taken", and we both enjoyed it. The premise is that an ex-CIA spook's daughter is kidnapped by a prostitution ring, and he has 96 hours to find her. As a mother, I was emotionally connected to the mom and was empathetic to her anguish at receiving that kind of news. Trevor, on the other hand, came out of the movie feeling a little angry because it made him think of Grace and how he would handle things if someone took her. I had to laugh once again at how the differences in men and women are shown on a daily basis.

It's not that I wouldn't be angry if someone took my child. I have a mother bear instinct that I have to stifle on a regular basis. It's just that our take on the exact same movie was different, and I like different. I like it that God created us to see things differently and to compliment one another. He saw the movie from a "protector" point of view, which is what he is to our family. He is our first line of defense against people and things that would harm us. I, on the other hand, saw the movie from a "nurturer" point of view. All I could think of was how the daughter was feeling and the sense of loss at the separation. I wanted to make it better emotionally...he wanted to make it better physically.

I'm so glad that I'm married to a man with whom I can have conversations of substance. We love to joke and play, but I love having and being a sounding board. He is the first person I think of when I have good news or bad news. He's the one I want to share my deepest secrets with and know that he will never betray me. There is such joy in being married to my soul-mate, and it's impossible to imagine my life without him.

See. He just walked through the front door, and my heart jumped, and not because I am easily startled, thank you very much. HE does that to me. Just the sight of him or the sound of his voice still gives me butterflies. I love that man! Twelve years and praying for many, many more.

I know those last two paragraphs were way off topic...actually, I can't remember what the topic was to begin with. This is why I don't write for a major publication and why editors are not knocking down my door, begging me to write for them. I can't even stick to one topic per post.

I think it's all the fresh air.

Memo to Worship Bands

I saw this editorial by John G. Stackhouse, Jr. in Christianity Today, and it really struck a chord with me. It's no secret that I prefer traditional music during worship, but I listen to contemporary Christian music on the radio and I love it. My preference is not due to the fact that I don't like rock style music, or that I don't think it's appropriate for church. It more due to the fact that I don't feel engaged in worship. The music is too loud and it feels like a concert instead of corporate worship. What do you think?

Memo to Worship Bands

Can you hear me? You can? I'm sorry if I am shouting, but I have just spent half an hour in a church service with a typical worship band, and my ears are ringing. I'm sure to be fine in a minute. Or hour. Or day—I hope.

Why does everything every Christian musician performs nowadays seem to require high amplification?

I was at a Christian camp not long ago where we gathered to sing around a bonfire. Guitars appeared, but just before I could get nostalgic and suggest we sing "Pass It On," the microphone stands appeared, too. Apparently three guitars for 40 people were not enough. No, they had to be amplified.

I am not 110 years old, friends. I grew up in the 1970s with fuzz boxes, stacks of Marshall amplifiers, and heavy metal bands loud enough to take on Boeing 747s and win. I have played in worship bands for more than 30 years, and like lots of juice running through my Roland keyboard or Fender bass or Godin guitar. Furthermore, I'm a middle-aged man and my hearing is supposed to be fading. But even I find almost every worship band in every church I visit to be too loud—not just a little bit loud, but uncomfortably, even painfully, loud.

So here are five reasons for everyone to turn it down a notch—or maybe three or four.

First, I know it's breaking the performer's code to say so (the way magicians are never supposed to reveal a secret), but cranking up the volume is just a cheap trick to add energy to a room. The comedic film This Is Spinal Tap showed us all the absurdity of using sheer noise to compensate for a lack of talent. (The knobs on the band members' guitars and amplifiers were modified to go to 11.) Do not compensate for mediocrity by amping it up to MEDIOCRITY.

Second, when your intonation is not very good—and let's face it, most singers and instrumentalists are not anywhere close to being in perfect tune—turning it up only makes it hurt worse. If I hear one more "harmony singer" have trouble deciding whether to hit the major or the minor third and instead split the difference at a scalp-tightening volume, I think my head will split also.

Third, the speakers in most church PA systems cannot take that much energy through their small, old magnets and cones, especially from piano, bass, and kick drum. So we are being pounded with high-powered fluffing and sputtering—which do not induce praise.

Fourth, consider that you might be marginalizing older people, most of whom probably do not like Guns N' Roses volumes at church. And if you suspect older congregants may be secretly delighted behind their tight smiles, ask them. I dare you.

Fifth, let me drop some church history and theology on you. By the time church music matured into Palestrina and Co. in the 16th century, it had become too demanding and ornate for ordinary singers. So Christians went to church to listen to a priest and a choir.

The Protestant Reformation yanked musical worship away from the professionals and put it back in the pews. Luther composed hymns based on popular melodies, including drinking songs. Calvin insisted on taking lyrics from the Psalms. This was music in which almost anyone could participate. The problem today, to be sure, is rarely elaborate music. We could use a little more artistry, in fact, than we usually get with the simplistic and repetitive musical figures of many contemporary worship songs.

No, the contrast with the Reformation is the modern-day insistence that a few people at the front be the center of attention. We do it by making six band members louder than a room full of people. But a church service isn't a concert at which an audience sings along with the real performers. Musicians—every one of them, including the singers—are accompanists to the congregation's praise. They should be mixed loudly enough only to do their job of leading and supporting the congregation.

Now, I like Palestrina and I like good Christian rock. So, church musicians, if you want to perform a fine song that requires advanced musicianship, by all means do it. We will listen and pray and enjoy it to the glory of God.

But when you are leading us in singing, then lead us in singing. And turn it down so we are not listening to you—or, even worse, merely enduring you. I know that is not what you want to happen. But I am telling you that's what is happening.

Sorry, again, for shouting.

Spectacular Sins (Chapter 2)

It's week three of our book club, and my study of this book and the biblical references that support it have been amazing! John Piper has a way of putting my thoughts into sentences for me, and I'm really enjoying the different perspectives of my fellow readers. Here are my answers to Lisa's questions:

1. I loved your quotes so much from the first session I'm going to ask you to share your favorite from this chapter!

Everything that exists, exists to make the greatness of Christ more fully known-including you, and the person you have the hardest time liking.

2. Re-read Colossians 1:15-16. Piper makes special mention that of all the things Paul could list that were made by, through, and for Christ, that he specifically mentions evil powers. In answering why Paul did this, Piper pulls an example from 2 Timothy 1:8 to show how he used weighty doctrine to address Timothy's practical issues of anxiety and fear that threatened the effect of his ministry. Considering Paul thought the 'heavy' things of God would help Timothy deal with everyday matters, how does knowing God created beings that He knew would turn from good to evil translate to your everyday life? (Use paragraphs 2 and 3 of page 36 to help form your thoughts.)

If we understand the weighty doctrines such as God’s sovereignty, then we can be confident that every time we face evil, it is already defeated. We can be confident that no matter how difficult things are, or how hopeless our world seems we can stand firm in the knowledge that we have a God who is mighty to save and that He is in control of everything. Knowing that God is an intentional God spurs me on to seek to know His will more fully and to try to understand His character more fully so that I can glorify Him more. I love the way Piper puts it: “Great biblical truths are fuel in the fire of the God-centered soul.”

3. Five summary statements are given on p. 37 as to why God wants us to know the truth of Christ's sovereignty over 'rulers and authorities' and the way they are involved in the most spectacular sins of the universe. Which one is most meaningful to you? Does it comfort you? Give you courage against the evil that we know has been disarmed by Christ?

“To make us valiant in the face of odds that seem overwhelming to the natural eye.” This particular statement gives me so much comfort, especially in light of the recent events in Washington. I know that even when it seems as though Christianity as a whole has suffered defeat, that God is not defeated. We live in a win-win situation as believers. When good triumphs, we win. It’s a clear victory and we can see the results fairly quickly. But when evil triumphs, we can take comfort in knowing that it didn’t really win. It may think it did for a season, but when all is said and done, there is no victory apart from God and we know that good has still won. It’s just that in cases such as this, it is not always immediately evident what the real victory is. Case in point…Joseph and his brothers. YEARS went by before God’s hand was fully revealed to the parties involved. We live in such an instant gratification world that we want answers right now! The will of God cannot be rushed or molded into a shape made by man.

4. Okay, this question is more of an assignment. Look at the previous commenter's answers and respond to one of her(his?) insights. If you are the first commenter, you can refer to this original post. Let's get some discussion going! :)

“Knowing it is not of him (Timothy) or me gives me and Timothy the courage to take a stand against the powers of evil that have already lost the battle at the cross.” I like the way Kim put this fundamental truth, and I think we lose sight of it when we are in the midst of our battles with evil. We don’t have to overcome evil…He overcomes it for us.

Dear Xandra

Beth started this meme here, and then I saw it here and here, and decided to thow caution to the wind and participate. I had all sorts of funny things framed in my mind, but as I wrote it became more focused. I really wish that I could have read these things 20 years ago so that I could have avoided some heart breaking experiences, but then I wouldn't be the person I am today without them. But at least this advice might have eased the way a bit and erased a few of the big regrets in my life.

Dear Xandra,

I know that getting this letter is making you roll your eyes and think about how much you hate the space time continuum story lines in science fiction, but hear me out. There are so many things that I want to tell you, but not enough time or paper in the world to say them all so I'll just stick to what's important.

At 20 years old, you like to think of yourself as self-sufficient, and to a large degree you are but things are going to change in the next few months. You will have to dig deep inside yourself to make it through 1992 and 1993, because you are going to face things that you never dreamed in your short life. When Mama walks through that door on New Year's Eve 1991 and tells you with tears in her eyes that the biopsy results were positive and that you have cancer, do not brush her off. Do not pretend that everything is okay and that you don't care. Let her hold and comfort you. You aren't a mother yet, so you don't understand the basic need to hold and comfort your children, but one day you will and you'll feel ashamed that you denied her the opportunity to do it.

On the same note, when Patrick and Ronna question the need for a exploratory laparotomy and splenectomy in the coming weeks, LISTEN to them. Mama and Daddy are doing the best they can with the information they have, but don't do it! The surgery will be brutal, the recovery excruciating and your bellybutton will be in a different spot. Trust me, you will look at that 14 inch scar every day wishing you had done things differently, not to mention the fact that your 4 year old thinks your bellybutton placement is really funny.

You can't avoid the radiation and chemo, but you will get through it. Again, stop trying to be so self-sufficient and let people help you. Don't turn them down when they offer to take you to treatment, and when they want to do things for you. Doing it yourself doesn't always make you stonger...it makes you exhausted and weak. You will learn as you get older that letting others do for you can be just as satisfying as doing for others. Denying help from those who are concerned about you builds a wall around yourself that can be hard to climb after a while, and people just stop trying.

Right now you think that Aaron hung the moon and that he is the boy you are going to marry. You get lost in those brown eyes, and you just love his family, but he is going to break your heart into a million little pieces for no other reason than he couldn't handle the fact that you have cancer. He's not worth the pain, and you have so much more waiting for you. As a matter of fact, when Trevor asks you to go to Mizell Lake with him, say yes every time. I know you guys are just friends, but he will become the complete and total love of your life. He will be the father of your two beautiful children (please stop rolling your eyes), and he will complete your life in ways you can't even imagine.

Most importantly, when you get out on your own, save us both a lot of heartache, and do two things. First, rip up any and all credit card offers that you get in the mail. I know you think you are living large with your $1000 every two weeks, and that opening accounts at Marshall Fields, Speigel, Macy's and Target is a incredibly good idea, but I promise it's not! Save your money and live within your means. The decision to purchase all your towels from Speigel, and putting all of your Christmas gifts one year on that credit card will haunt you for the next decade. If you can't afford to pay cash, you can't afford it.

Secondly, trust God. Keep Him at the center of your life, and get involved in a church. Meet other people your age that you can hang out with and share your hopes and dreams. Stay away from Zack, even though you think he is the one that will heal your heart after Aaron. He is no good for you and you will just fall further and further away from God during your time with him. I promise that all those million pieces will be put back together when you find yourself staring into Trevor's green eyes on the day of your wedding, knowing that you finally found the one God intended for you.

Finally, I know that you feel a little lost right now. You've been diagnosed with a terrible disease, pulled out of college and are living at home while you receive treatment. You feel like a failure. Although no one suspects, you are in a bit of a depression about how your life has turned out. Let me tell you...your life isn't going to be anything like you planned! You will not get your degree in microbiology, but you will find fulfillment in treating fellow cancer patients for a living. You will not marry the man you thought, but you will have joy like you've never experienced. Although you think you don't want children, being with Trevor will change that forever. You will want his children, and will never experience a more pure love than when you look in their eyes for the first time. Your life is not over...you will have the life God intended for you and it will be more than you ever dreamed.

Love,
Xandra

PS Be sure to give Uncle Tellius and Gramps extra hugs and kisses every time you see them. You'll wish you'd had one more chance when they are gone.