Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Livin' On Tulsa Time

Change. That little word can strike such fear in my heart. From the small things to the life altering, I resist change. I worry over it, spend sleepless nights thinking about it and generally work myself into a frenzy of stress holding on to it. So when Trevor came home 4 months ago with the news that we might be moving to Tulsa, my response was not what you would call open minded. As a matter of fact, I had a good sized boulder in the pit of my stomach when I allowed myself to think about it too much.

But over time I came to accept the idea, even embrace it. We began looking at real estate and discussing our finances. We were still waiting for official word from his company before we made any real decisions, but we felt fairly confident that we would be leaving Texas. Then he was told that the move was off due to the economy, and I breathed a little sigh of relief. I had gotten used to the idea, but I was glad that I didn't have to think about the actual move anymore. Finding a new job, childcare, a church...things that seemed so scary when I thought about them too long and too hard. The boulder dissolved and life went on.

I told my boss that I was staying, and informed the Sunday school class that I teach that they would have to put up with me for a least a little bit longer. I started thinking ahead to summertime childcare for Nathan and making plans for having family here in July. I felt a little bit wistful that we would not be moving, but on the whole glad we were staying with what was known and comfortable.

Then two weeks ago Trevor came home with the news that his company wanted him in Tulsa no later than August. We could pretty much move any time between now and then, but it was really happening. The boulder reappeared and suddenly I was back to contemplating when we would make the move, how we would sell the house in the current market and a myriad of other issues. I began to feel overwhelmed with the enormity of moving our family to another state and establishing new roots there.

Then I stopped in my tracks and said a quick prayer. My prayer was simple: "Lord, take this anxiety from my heart and remind me that you are in control and totally sovereign over all things. You are in both the details and the big picture and I can trust that all things will work for our good. It may not seem like it at the time, but I know that the end game has already been predetermined by You in Your wisdom and love. Please make the path broad and easy to see as we make plans for this move and give us wisdom and discernment to make choices that are pleasing to You. Amen."

This is the prayer that say every time I feel that boulder starting to weigh me down, and it's the one I pray every morning and night. There are so many plans to make and dreams to build, but the change seems less menacing when filtered though the knowledge that God is on our side and He will see us through to the end of this season in our lives. This time next year we will be wondering what all the fuss was about.


luvmy4sons said...

I liked your last line the best. I often do the same thing...think back to a harder time and then as I look at it now it seems not so large...so sometimes I think WAY ahead and know that at some point it will all be over and I will look back on it and wonder why I was so worried. I can certainly understand why such a BIG thing like moving to another state can cause some anxiety...but I know God is with you-as you know this too! I, too, am in the process of letting go of this neck injury...and the idea that I likely have a ruptured or herniating disc in my neck...scary...and having been down the road once before in the lower back...well, won't think on it. Because one day I will look back and wonder what all the fuss was about! Blessings to you today!

Karen said...

You always leave me so in awe of your faith and I love it when you share your prayers. You are such an awesome writer. Your blog books will be a treasure for your kids.

And, now. Moving to another state! What a project! How exciting for all of you. It will be one of those great family memories that you'll mark time by, and add to your family history. And I know you'll make your new place a warm, cozy home for Trevor and Nathan and Grace.

Leah in Iowa said...

Xandra! You're moving closer to me! =) That is awesome! When can we get together??

Buffi said...

wow...Moving is exciting!!! It is a lot of things to take care of but change is SO GOOD!!! I'll be praying for you that you would just put that weight on Jesus and let him carry you through as you make all those plans and changes!!! You're going to do great!!!! How far is Tulsa from Houston? (I do not know a lot about Texas...or geography for that matter!!) Have a great week!
Love ya,

Alana said...

Wow. That's a big deal. I will start praying for you. The good news? You'll be lots closer to me! We might actually get to meet ;-)

Peace to you, friend!

Rhonda said...

I am very excited for you. I would love to live in Tulsa. (Of course, that is not my reality - so easy for me to say.)

We visited there last summer. My oldest daughter was a camp counselor all last summer at Dry Gulch USA camp. We drove down at the end of the summer and stayed over and went to church. I loved the feel of the city. I felt that I could certainly have stayed - and so did the rest of my family.

Have fun looking forward to what God has in store for you & your family!

Lisa said...

Sounds exciting. I know exactly what you mean about change....it's hard. I'll be praying for a smooth transition. I selfishly wish your move was to Alabama:)

Andrea said...

You know...there are times when I wish we would just pick up and move and start fresh. There's just something appealing about a new start; a clean slate.

But on the other hand, I would feel the doubt and anxiety about leaving everything I know.

Keep your faith strong, Xandra! And remember -- no matter where you move, you'll always have your blogging buddies. :)

Heather C said...

((((((((((((Xandra))))))))))))))) I can't help but think how much more difficult this might be for you, or how different your perspective might be, if you weren't studying the sovereignty of God through "Spectacular Sins". Isn't the Father's timing perfect? I'll be praying for you... not just for God's perfect will, but also that you will find perfect peace that passes all understanding in it, and that as you wait on Him, He will renew your strength and cause you to soar. I love you!

Crystal said...

Wow! I loved reading your prayer! Thanks for sharing. Life changes are scary (we're still right smack in the middle of the uncertain!) but God is sovereign! I will be praying for you!

Mocha with Linda said...

Even though I've emailed you, I got tears in my eyes reading this again to leave a comment.

I already miss you.

Your attitude and sweet spirit that surrenders to God's leading is a beautiful inspiration.

But your move still makes me sad.

A Stone Gatherer said...

I am so like you when it comes to change! I react and then think and calm down after! Quite facinating if your not my husband!!! I was just reading in this book "Listening to God" and she mentioned the prayer or "relinquishment"(not spelled right I know, my mind isn't working). Anyway that is what your prayer reminded me of relinquishing it to God!