Little Miss Crankypants

I am so cranky. Just ask my husband. Or my kids. Or my...well, you get the picture. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I have cut my food intake by more than half. (Insert me grumbling, Homer Simpson style...."stupid diet") Or maybe it's because I can't find four or five items of Gracie's clothing anywhere, and it is eating away at the edge of my brain like an overly ambitious mouse. Or maybe it's because I'm working full, 8 hour days now instead of the 6 or 7 that I had become accustomed to.

Who am I kidding? It's all of those things, plus a dozen more that can't even be vocalized much less written down. I have recently felt like my life is a little out of control. I can't even put my finger on it to give it a name, but I feel like my entire life is an unorganized, chaotic mess. Nothing seems to please me like it used to and although I have had so many little victories with regard to my temper and my marriage, everything still feels odd.

It's as if I'm standing at the edge of an abyss just waiting to be pushed in. There is this lingering sensation that there is change coming, but I can't figure out why. Nothing has changed here...my life is the same. No warning bells or whistles, no impending life changes and everyone is enjoying pretty good health. So why the heavy feeling in my chest and the sensation that my life is careening down a darkened highway sans headlights and seatbelts? Your guess is as good as mine.

The things that keep me from jumping from the car in a panic are simple. For instance, I was playing the piano the other night and Gracie came and sat down next to me. She said that she wanted to sing, and when I asked her what song, she said, "Welcome Me". That is Graciespeak for the hymn "He Keeps Me Singing". This is a reference to the last verse that starts with the words "Soon He's coming back to welcome me". She sang along with gusto and then said, "Now, very soft", so we sang it through again in whispers. How could that sort of interaction not brighten my day?

Then there is Nathan. He is six and so full of questions (and interesting answers, I might add) that I think my head might explode sometimes. If nothing else, he keep me on my toes and is the kid equivalent to a lie detector test. If you've ever had a six year old, then you know what I mean. Everything is black and white, and his ability to (selectively) remember every thing that I have ever said is uncanny. To be honest, it's a little creepy. He remembers things that I can't.

Oh, and apparently I don't have a functioning brain based on the things that he tells me. He uses that voice reserved for the severely mentally handicapped when he explains that he is not wearing clogs, he is wearing Crocs. What is really funny is that he confidently engages in argumentative conversation with the absolute certainty that he is right, even when he's wrong.

Strangely enough, I feel better after getting some of this out on virtual paper. The abyss doesn't seem to be looming and the little victories and joys that I have enjoyed seem more significant.

A Positive Direction

I was a little shocked when I realized that it has been a week since I posted. I guess my break last weekend really went to my head and I just neglected blogging just as obsessively as I had been doing it before! This is not to say that I have not been reading my friends' blogs or checking my email, but I just didn't have much to say this week.

Well, ok....maybe that's not entirely true. I always have something to say, but I couldn't seem to get my thoughts together long enough for the past few days to create any sort of understandable missive. Anyhoo, here I am and hopefully my thoughts will be more organized this week.

This past week has been a strange one for me. To begin with, I started The Diet again and that always puts me in a wonderful mood. I am encouraged, however, because the pounds seem to be melting off and I'm not as hungry as I thought I would be. I am praying for perseverance because that is always my problem. The first few months of Dieting (yes, I intend to capitalize that word every time) are usually pretty easy for me because I am motivated and excited about what I am doing. Then the newness wears off, and I start having those thoughts. If you have ever seriously Dieted, then you know what I'm talking about.

"I'm not going to worry about this meal/dessert because I have done so well that it won't matter if I gorge myself this time."

Right.

My problem is that that one meal/dessert turns into 2 and then 6 and then I am spiralling out of control and slowly gaining back all of the weight I fought so hard to lose to begin with. The funny thing about it, is that I am always genuinely surprised when I put on my pants (that I bought because of the new, slimmer me) and they are tight and then, later, horrified because they will no longer go on at all. So, I am starting over again this week and I have a partner in crime at work, so there is someone to hold me accountable every day. And that's all I have to say about that.

On a more positive note, I really feel like I am improving in the "control my temper/submit to my husband" areas of my life. I have made a real effort to speak to Nathan and Grace in a reasonable tone of voice even when the voice in my head is screaming, "What's the matter with you! The furniture is not a jungle gym!!!" I have noticed that they are both responding to me differently as well. I think they are starting to realize that my first reaction is no longer yelling, and they have been doing what I say the first time more frequently. It's amazing what the tone of your voice can do.

I have also been praying and striving to be more submissive to Trevor. I have tried to hold my tongue (with limited success) and remember that my job is to respect my husband and do everything I can to make our home a comfortable environment for him. This behavior is definitely a work in progress and I can't claim that I am a model of submission and respect, but I am praying daily that the Spirit will fill me so that I can overcome all the rebellious behaviors that have become such a habit for me.

So, all in all I have had a good week and I am looking forward to the next with the expectation that I will continue in a positive direction with all of the areas in my life on which I am actively working.

The Cone of Silence is Lifted

I have recently been accused by the spousal unit of spending too much time online in the evenings. Actually, he thinks I spend too much time on the internet period. So, in the interest of Godly submission and less time on the computer I have not blogged all weekend, including Friday. It was surprisingly liberating, because I have become rather obsessive about blogging every day, and sometimes I really have to stretch to find something to talk about.

The weekend was remarkably uneventful and I spent most of it relaxing or sleeping. We were supposed to attend the VBS parent's night on Friday, but Nathan didn't seem particularly excited about going so we bailed. We ordered Mexican food and after eating and relaxing for a few hours, I mustered up enough energy to cut the grass before the thunderstorms promised by the weatherman materialized.

Nathan spent the night with Kaben and Saturday morning I went to get the boys to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I thought it was awesome, but Nathan and Kaben were picking their noses and wishing that they had thought to bring their Gameboys about half-way through the movie. Nathan really likes the first few Harry Potter movies, but I think that the new ones are just too far beyond his scope of experience. The older the character gets (he's 15 in the new movie) the less that Nathan can relate to him. Harry and his friends deal with more adult issues as they get older and the movie is less action and more dialogue, which bores my 6 year old to tears.

Case in point: Harry kisses a girl on the lips. Now, this was a rather chaste kiss...no craziness, no groping...but Nathan and Kaben (in unison) said, "Ewwwwwww" when it happened. I almost laughed out loud at the stereo gross-out, but was secretly happy that the boys are still little boys and not truly interested in the opposite sex in spite of random comments by Nathan about "hot" girls and the like. When I hear him say things like that (after I close my gaping jaw), I just use it as an opportunity to teach him how to regard girls not as objects, but as smart people with diverse personalities and talents.

Our neighbors had a birthday party that lasted for approximately 12 hours. They must have a lot of friends, because there were cars parked all up and down our street. Now we don't mind large parties and loud music when it is conducted at a reasonable time of the day. But (and this is true to form from what we've seen) their parties last beyond what most people would consider to be a normal length of time. Their guests start arriving at noon or one, and they are still going strong at 11 pm with no signs of stopping. When we walk out on our deck, all we can smell is alcohol and cigarettes and it goes on for hours.

When I woke up Sunday morning, the first thing I did was peek over the fence to see the aftermath and I was not disappointed. Trash and beer cans littered their yard and all I could think was that the mess would not be cleaned up for at least a week. Then again, it's not my yard or my family, so it's really none of my business.

After teaching Sunday School, it was my week to lead children's church during morning worship. Every time that I work with children, it reinforces my belief that I was not cut out for children's ministry. I love my own children and the children of my friends and family, but I am completely and totally uncomfortable with any other children. They make me nervous and I always feel on the verge of losing control when they are in large groups. I've always been this way, and I'd hoped that being a mother would have changed some of that for me, but clearly it has not. I volunteer to help with the kids at church because my own children participate in the program and I feel that parents should be involved, but that is the only reason.

We all have spiritual gifts, and working with kids is most definitely not mine. My prayer is that I can just get through the time that I have committed to work with a cheerful spirit and a gracious attitude.

When I got home from church, I ate lunch and then went directly to bed for a nap. I slept for about 2 hours and woke up in a much better frame of mind, and feeling 100% refreshed. We finished the day with fajitas and homemade tortillas, and now I am looking forward to a new week. Praise God for restful weekends and productive work weeks.

Poster Child for Crankiness

I am sad to report that I have not been the model of a Godly wife or mother today. It started badly when I was awakened at 5am by the town fire alarm, which was roughly 3 hours before I was planning on opening my eyes. I tried to go back to sleep but it turned out to be an impossible task, so I got up and logged on to the computer for a little blog browsing and email checking.

Once I finished with the computer, I turned on the television and promptly fell asleep watching "Planet Earth". The next thing I know, the kids are bouncing around the couch clamoring for breakfast. And so it began. I was a poster child for how to not be a nurturing loving wife and mother. I was tired and I was cranky, and I didn't care who knew it. I stomped around for a little while doing some last minute packing and fussing at the kids every time they looked like they might be thinking of getting in my way.

Trevor did his best to fly under my radar, but even he became something of a target for the fiery darts that were coming out of my mouth. So much for the marriage challenge! So much for my plans and lists of things that I was going to do better. The sad part was that the meaner and more spiteful that I was, the less I cared. I was like a child who knows they are wrong, but have gone so far that they refuse to turn back out of sheer stubbornness. That was me today....completely rebellious and stubborn. Knowing what I needed to do to correct the situation, but simply unwilling to do it.

I hate days like that. I wish I could say that I never have them and that I always treat my family with nurturing love and affection, but I don't. I nag my husband and I yell at my children. I stomp around and slam doors when I should be falling on my knees and praying for a change of heart and to be filled with the Spirit. It was 3:48pm before I did that, and I was exhausted. I had tired myself out with all of the negativity and strife. It's much harder to maintain a bad attitude than you might think, and when I finally responded to the conviction of the Holy Spirit and asked for forgiveness and a clean heart, the day suddenly seemed so much better.

I followed that prayer with a long nap and when I got up, I was refreshed and ready to treat my family with a little more respect and patience. I was still far from the model I was trying to be, but by the grace of God I was better. And who knows? In the words of Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton Kennedy Butler, "Tomorrow is another day" and hopefully I'll remember to start the day with prayer instead of just ending it that way!

Are Events Conspiring Against Me?

For the last week and a half, my life has been a series of unfortunate events that seem to have a life of their own and are conspiring against me. Each event just builds on the next, perhaps hoping that it will be the one that breaks me. Take, for instance, this morning. Everyone is well-versed in the health issues that have plagued the kids in the last few days, and I was so happy this morning when I got up because they were both fever-free and going back to Heather's!

I took my shower, happily lathering up and thanking God for restoring health to my children and for helping me to get through the stress of recent days. Then I got out. I got out of the shower and saw that Heather had called my cell phone at 6:22 am, so I called her back. I figured that she was just confirming that the kids were coming, but no. Paige was sick with a fever of 103! She said she didn't mind keeping them, but I didn't want to chance them getting sick again and going through all of that again.

So (and here the drama begins), I looked at the clock and saw that it was 6:30 am and my mind began working furiously to organize what I needed to do before I had to leave for work at 7 am. I called Trevor's mom and she agreed to keep Nathan, and I told her that I would bring him to her house. Then I called the church daycare to see if they could keep Gracie for one day. Thankfully they were able to, and so I sprinted to the kitchen to get a lunch ready for Grace.

After slapping together a PB&J and filling a lunch bag with snacks and juice, I woke Grace up and lit a fire under Nathan to hurry up. Once Grace was dressed, I ran to the bathroom to quickly dry my hair and finish getting dressed. This morning was one of many mornings that I was thankful that I don't wear makeup, hence one less thing to do.

I made sure everyone had their teeth brushed and hair combed before collecting the last of the stuff that they would need during the day. I grabbed two packages of Pop-Tarts and 2 bananas for the kid's breakfast (nutrition was the last thing on my mind!) and sped out the door with 2 bags, 1 purse, 1 backpack, 1 pillow, 1 blanket and my keys. Whew!

Once I got the kids buckled in, I realized that I left my cell phone on the counter. Back into the house, relock the door and then off we went. I usually leave the house at 7 am and it was now 7:11 am and I was beginning to stress.

Would you believe that I was out of gas?

Diesel to be accurate, but either way I had to fuel up before I took Nathan out to Trevor's parent's house or I would run out. Auughhh! So I dropped Gracie off at church, and then pulled into the gas station to fill up the car. I pulled up next to the diesel pump and realized that the elderly man who was on the other side of the pump was using my nozzle.

Huh?

Well, using it is not really accurate since he was just holding it as he carried on a very lively conversation with another gentleman about something farm related. I asked him if he was finished with the nozzle and he gave it back so I could use it. The other man gave me a dirty look as though I had committed some sort of social faux pas by requesting the use of the nozzle on my side of the pump, but I didn't care. I pumped just enough fuel to get me through the week and hit the road.

After dropping Nathan off, I had to take a back road though acres of farmland to get to work, and so I covered the car in a layer of dust in the process. We'll just add washing the car to the ever-lengthening list of things to do this week. By this time, it was 7:30 and I was just getting on the road to go to work. I made it on time, but I felt all out of sorts and rushed for the first hour or so of work.

So, here I am on my lunch break sitting quietly and trying to get some perspective. It seems silly now, that I was so stressed this morning. Everything was accomplished, the kids are safe and I didn't have to miss work. It was a good lesson for me. I need to step back when my life seems too crazy and just relax. Snapping at people when they call (sorry Kellye!) and fussing at the kids is not going to make the situation any better and I'll just feel badly about it later.

The thankful spirit that I had in those early morning moments in the shower should be there all the time, and not just when life is going the way I think it should. Thank you God. Thank you for taking care of me and for providing events that help shape my character and allow avenues for me to praise you more completely.

Little Moments

I love to mow the lawn. There is something deeply satisfying about that swath of fresh cut grass behind me and the anticipation of mowing over the tall grass in front of me. I can see my progress...I am accomplishing something in a very concrete way. It also feeds my OCD tendencies, but that's a completely different blog topic.

I wish life were more like cutting the grass sometimes. It's hard to see progress in the day to day mediocrity of it all, and it frequently feels like I take three steps forward and two steps back. My life is a cycle of work, sleep and weekends. I often have the guilt that comes with being a mother....am I doing enough for them? Am I doing too much? What kind of memories will they have when they are 35?

Then there are moments when I can see the progress and realize that my life is not mediocre and that I am blazing straight forward with no backward steps. Today was one of the days filled with those moments. Watching Nathan and Gracie play outside in the bright sunshine in a beautiful yard made me thankful to God for giving us such success in our careers. It made me realize that all of the fussing and lecturing about how to treat one another was not time wasted as I saw Nathan playing gently and kindly with his sister. I had another moment as we went out for dinner with Trevor's parents for Mother's Day and observed both my children behaving politely and quietly in the restaurant.

They are small moments to be sure, but moving nonetheless. They are what keep me motivated when the day to day grind starts to get me down. They are the very essence of my life and I would do well to look for them more frequently than I do. I have been blessed beyond measure in this life and it is my duty (and desire) to be thankful and glorify God for all of it.

Thank you God. Thank you for my husband and my children. Thank you for letting me be a part of a family that loves You and that loves each other. Thank you for my job, my church and for my friends. Thank you for my life.

The Grumpy Road to Recovery

Nathan was out of school for FFA day and Trevor stayed home with him, which allowed me to get to work early for once. I left the house at 5:45 am and spent the entire morning moving from project to project at work. It was actually refreshing to have something to do...our patient load is down and it's been a struggle to fill the day which just makes it drag by.

I left work at 12:15 (I just love working a half-day on Friday!) and headed home for a little relaxation. When I got home, Trevor was on the couch with a cold. He has been getting progressively worse for the past few days and it finally caught up with him. The problem is that I'm not entirely over my illness yet, and I get tired very easily. The thought of taking care of him and the kids made me a little nauseous if the truth be told. It must be said that Trevor did not imply in any way that I should take care of him. Actually, the opposite is true with him....he would much rather be left alone when he is sick and I tend to hover too much.

So the internal battle was raging....suck it up and try to make him more comfortable and keep Nathan quiet and out of the way or go to the bedroom and take a nap? I wish I could say that my heart of service won the day, but sadly it did not. I slept for an hour or so until I had to get up to go get Grace from daycare, which just made me more cranky because it interrupted my nap. I know....wah.

So, after a few hours of watching the kids draw on the deck with chalk and then watching television, here I am. Exhausted after doing only a fraction of what I normally do on Friday and irritated and grumpy because I am so tired. Poor Trevor, Nathan and Grace because grumpy=impatient and fussy. Once I am finished blogging I vow to be nicer and more human-like if it kills me.

I am also grumpy because the subject of Mother's Day was broached and I don't like having to decide what to do. Of all of the days of the year, I don't think that I should be required to plan anything. I plan all the birthday parties, the holiday gatherings, and all the things in between. I plan, cook and clean so that the day will be fun and memorable. This has nothing to do with not liking to do those things...I enjoy entertaining, but Mother's Day should be a day of rest and relaxation for me. I don't want to decide what we are going to eat or where we are going to eat it. I wouldn't even mind making food for a potluck at Will and Charly's, but I don't want to decide what to make.

I know that sounds ridiculous, but I guess the at the bottom of it all, what I really want for Mother's Day is no responsibility. For one day I don't want to be the one holding it all together. I don't expect to spend the entire day in a hammock with an cold drink and an unlimited supply of chocolate nearby (as nice as that sounds!), but I want to be the follower instead of the leader for 16 hours. So, I vow to be nicer to my family tonight in spite of my grumpiness and look forward to Sunday.

Two Mistakes

Yesterday afternoon I was in my son's bedroom trying to assemble a race track that he received for his birthday, and I could hear my children in the living room giggling and laughing. I was so pleased that they were playing well together and not screaming out the usual, "stop it" or "give it back!" Then the bottom fell out: I heard a bloodcurdling scream from my daughter and then total silence. I bolted down the hall to the scene of the crime to find my son nowhere in sight and my daughter crouched on the floor holding her face unable to catch her breath from the pain. Then came the inevitable intake of air and the second, much louder scream which didn't stop for several minutes.

I yelled for Nathan to get his behind in the living room so I could interrogate him. His friend Kaben was sitting in the recliner saying, "I was just sitting here watching TV!" Nathan comes slurking around the corner from the dining room with the look of a deer caught in the headlights. I demanded to know what happened (although I had a pretty good idea already), and waited for a response. Nathan immediately begin to blame Grace. "She started it....she was chasing me!" This whole time I'm holding Grace in my arms trying to ascertain if she has any broken facial bones as she is screaming and holding her head. I grabbed Nathan by the arm (more roughly than I intended) and put him on the couch. I carried Gracie to the kitchen so I can sit her down and get good look at her face, all the while yelling at Nathan for once again disobeying the "no running in the house" rule. I was so angry at him and scared for Grace that I couldn't even think straight. I sent him to his bedroom with instructions to stay there because I didn't even want to look at his face. (I'm sure there is a list in a parenting book somewhere of things not to say to your kids, and many of the things I said in that 5 minute span were probably on it.)

Once I saw that Grace was fine aside from the promise of a black eye in a few days, I calmed down enough to go back into the living room to ask Kaben what exactly happened. He was still sitting quietly in the chair (probably hoping to avoid the attention of the crazy lady who just screamed at his friend). He told me that Nathan and Grace were running around and she lost her balance and fell face first onto the brick hearth of the fireplace. This was what I figured had happened, but I was glad that Kaben had seen it so I knew for sure. I called Nathan back into the living room and informed him that he was grounded from the computer for an entire week for disobeying us and breaking rules.

As I sat there holding Grace with an ice pack on her face, I looked at Nathan and how little he was and I was overcome with remorse for yelling at him like I did. I called him over to me and held him for a second and apologized for the way I grabbed his arm and for yelling at him. He had made a mistake in judgement, but so had I. His mistake caused physical injury to his baby sister that would heal with a little time and TLC. My mistake could have caused emotional injury to my son and that I can't bear. I need to learn to count to ten before I react to high stress situations. I need to make sure that the things I say to my children are not hurtful and demeaning because the words cannot be taken back by an apology.

Lord, guard my tongue and my actions so that my children will never see me as an tyrant. Keep me calm, cool and collected the next time something unexpected happens so that You will be in control next time, and not me.

Worship and Fellowship

Today is Sunday and it has been good. I woke up this morning to my youngest crawling into bed with Trevor and I. Resplendent in her candy cane pajamas and wet diaper, she snuggled down between us and started our morning with the most beautiful words in her vocabulary...."I love you." Shortly thereafter, I found myself all alone on the deck with a steaming cup of fresh coffee. In my mind's eye the day spread out in front of me like the vast expanse of sky over West Texas. It seemed open and endless at that time of the morning when the only sound I could hear was the cheerful chirping of birds in the woods behind the house.

We made it to church on time and I enjoyed reconnecting with my friends in Sunday School as we brought our concerns and requests to each other for prayer. The lesson was short since we spent so much time taking prayer requests, but fulfilling nonetheless. We were studying Abram and Sarai's decision to have a child through her maidservant Hagar, instead of waiting on the Lord to provide a child. As Ali taught the lesson, it was brought to the forefront of my mind that we have amazing power over our husbands. Even a man who is a strong spiritual leader and chooses a godly path more often than not can be easily led astray by a suggestion put out there by his wife. It might be a small thing, or it might not. It might be unintentional, or it might not. I realized that to put all the responsibility of spiritual leadership on my husband's shoulders was not really fair. If I am aware that he is sinning or if I encourage that sinful behavior then I am culpable as well. I am commanded biblically to be a helpmate to my spouse and that includes helping him be a strong leader in every way that I can. If I am enabling his sin or even causing it, I am not in line with what God has in store for me or my marriage.

So, I need to guard my tongue a little more often and be sure that my words and actions don't cause my husband to stumble. He has enough weight on his shoulders without adding to the load.

Then there was the morning worship service. The sermon was about the commandment to not commit adultery, but it turned into a sermon on the freedom and joy of sex within a marriage. We read passages from Song of Solomon and from the New Testament. I thought that it tied in neatly with the SS lesson because if we take our marriages to be the covenant relationship that God intended and we truly love and honor our spouse in all areas, then we enjoy true intimacy and closeness that marriage can bring. My favorite verse from Song of Solomon is 6:3 "I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine." Completely. Giving myself heart and soul to Trevor does not imprison me, it frees me to love fully. Part of that love is always being available to him to satisfy his needs. Now there was a lot of snickering and joking between friends after the service was over, but the basic truth should really hit home for all of us. If I satisfy his needs on all levels...physical and emotional.....it frees him to be the spiritual leader and provider for our family. Likewise, if he attends to all of my needs it makes it easier for me to be submissive to him and to help and support him.

There are some of you out there reading this blog thinking that I am caught in a time warp and obviously have not heard of woman's lib. My faith gives me guidelines and boundaries for what makes a healthy and happy marriage. Being submissive to Trevor does not make me a slave to him. Being submissive to my husband is a no brainer because I can trust that even if I don't agree with a decision he has made for us, I know that he only has our best interest at heart. This does not mean that I am not allowed to question him or voice concerns about an issue (just ask him about that one!). And often a different point of view will change his outlook on a situation, and that is where the lessons tie together for me. I only have to suggest something to him, gently point him in another direction and that will be all it takes to change his mind sometimes. I have a huge responsibility to temper my comments with biblical truth and direction in order to not mislead him be it intentional or not.

Then I had an entire afternoon with my enchanting friend Kellye as we shopped and chatting for a few hours We spend a lot of time during the week "talking" through Messenger, and it's always nice to spend some time face to face. So during our time together, I had a little thrill of anticipation because we were meeting up with our small group for the first time in several weeks for a new study. I had really been missing this fellowship and was looking forward to time together with my friends.

Chris brought our books to start reading (Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper). Although I let everyone know that my own personal hell is being read aloud to, read aloud we did......the whole first chapter! I'm a teacher's pet so I had actually read the first 2 chapters before we met, but it was good to read it again, even if it was out loud. I am really motivated and excited about this new book and I can't wait to discuss it the next time we meet.

So now I am sitting in my comfy chair with the computer in my lap as I finish up my day with a Coke Zero and the prospect of a little reading before bed. Thank you Lord, for ministers and teachers who remind me of my purpose as a Christian wife and mother. I need to do a little more encouraging and a little less nagging and tearing down. Thank you for giving me the tools for a beautiful and fulfilling marriage.....now I just have to use them.

Close My Mouth and Open My Mind

I do not like change. Never have and probably never will. I can hang on to a ragged pair of shoes long past the time that they should have been retired simply because I don't want to deal with new ones. The possible blisters and breaking in and the way they make my feet look different.

I get upset when my computer browser changes appearance or when I have to navigate a new cell phone design. I rant and I rave to Trevor about how stupid this new browser is....what was wrong with the old one? How do I get to the contacts on my new cell phone? Trevor just sits as quietly and motionless as possible hoping that I won't take notice of him and turn all that frustration in his direction. I tend to use the word stupid a great deal and usually end up in a really bad mood with the computer off or the cell phone closed with the announcement that I hate it and will not EVER use it. Trevor continues to sit quietly in his chair, trying to act like he's not there.

Over the course of the next few days I gradually learn the new system and before long I am recommending my cell phone to anyone who will listen, and troubleshooting browser problems for my friends. This is how I operate. I don't like meeting new people (I'm not used to them and they might be weird). I get upset at anything that changes my routine or system (I'm highly organized and change upsets the efficient flow of my life). I'm not real thrilled about the first day of school, first day of work...basically the first day of anything (too many unknown variables).

I see this trait in my son and it disturbs me a little bit. He needs time to adapt to new things and situations and I see his frustration. It looks just like mine and I don't like it. I'm unreasonable and more than a little mean-spirited when I'm frustrated and I hate seeing that in my 6 year old. The needing time to adapt doesn't bother me.....I don't think we can change our gut instinct. But we can change our reaction and that's what I am trying to do. Change my reaction from, "that is so stupid...what's wrong with the way it is?" to "this looks like it might have possibilities...let me try it out!"

So, my prayer this morning is that I will choose to react in a more positive way to change for myself, and also for the sake of my son and the sanity of my ever patient husband. Lord, please close my mouth and open my mind. Amen.

Smugness is Not a Fruit of the Spirit

Just in case you were wondering. It's really too bad, because I would be producing a lot of fruit for the Lord. As I reflect on the last few days, I am struck by how much Trevor has done for me and for the kids while I have been sick. He's cleaned and prepared meals. He's retrieved items for me when I didn't feel like getting off the couch, gotten the kids ready for school/daycare, and continuously made sure that I was as comfortable as possible.

So what do I do this morning as I'm laying in bed half asleep? I can hear him struggling with Grace in her bedroom (I'm sure it had something to do with shoes) and fussing at Nathan for not getting dressed fast enough (he likes to play with the water while he's brushing his teeth). I lay there and think, "Now he knows how I feel every morning of the week. He's not doing anything that I don't do on a daily basis. Maybe now he'll appreciate what I do for him and this family."

That was smugness, in case you didn't catch it. After all that he had done for me in the last 48 hours, all I could do was think about how much I do and how he doesn't appreciate me enough. Well let me tell you something: that door swings both ways. Sure, I deal with the kids in the morning (they get their grumpiness in the early morning hours from me, so you can imagine how that goes for us). I do most of the school projects with Nathan, fill out the paperwork for Grace, pack the lunches...the list goes on and on. But here's a list of the things I don't do and don't think for one minute that it is complete. I do not enter the attic for any reason. If Trevor were to collapse of heat exhaustion up there, he would have to wait for the EMT crew to get here and pull him out. I'm not crawling around on my belly in insulation just inviting brown recluse spiders to bite me. I also don't kill stinging insects, fix mechanical stuff around the house, build decks (or cover for said deck), remodel bathrooms or cut down trees. All of those things belong to Trevor and we both know it. Now I do help where I can, but we both know that I tend to get in the way sometimes. He's sweet to let me think that I'm helping.

So, as I am smugly listening to him try and do the things that I do pretty effortlessly around the house and with the kids, I am also working myself up into a frenzy of pity. "Why doesn't he ever tell me how much he appreciates all of the things I do for him?! Can't he see how much I do now that he has to do it all?" Then the thought struck me, "When was the last time you told him, really told him, how much you appreciate him?" That was when I realized that we are both guilty of not voicing that particular emotion. I get so caught up in all the things that I do, that I completely miss that he is taking care of the rest. I need to remember that he wants to feel appreciated for his contributions too and that I should stop making our life a even split situation. I may do more than 50% of the work in one area, but so does he in another.

Thank you Lord for giving me Trevor. He a loving husband and father and I would be lost without him. Help me to remember this and maybe I'll start producing some real spiritual fruit in my life!

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another. Galatians 5:22-26