A Season of Grace

I have been reading the book of James in my quiet time over the last 4 weeks and God has revealed so much to me during that time. I've never really done a quiet time like this before. In the past I've pulled a devotional off of the shelf or used my Sunday School lesson, and there is nothing wrong with doing it that way. But I was feeling a real calling from God to consistently have a quiet time and to do it differently than I ever had before.

Boy I'm glad I listened!

There have been many verses that have spoken to me and affected a change in my daily behavior. The first was James 2:13:

"For judgment is without mercy to the one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment." Let me say that again...."Mercy triumphs over judgment." Not sometimes, not occasionally, not just in those situations where we feel like it's in our best interest to be merciful....always. If we want to be shown mercy, we must be merciful. And shouldn't we want to show mercy because of the grace and mercy that God has freely given us in the person of Jesus Christ?

One of my biggest stumbling blocks is my judgmental nature. I am oh so quick to point out the faults and problems of others, but live in fear of being judged myself. Have I stopped being judgmental? Not completely, but I am seeing a change in my attitude and spirit. Although my initial gut reaction is judgment, my secondary response is close on it's heels. I really try to imagine what that person is going through that would make them act the way they do, and that is usually enough to spur me into a spirit of mercy and compassion.

My prayer every single morning has been that when people see me, that they will not see me, but will see Christ instead. I want to be so open to the Spirit and guided by Him, that I am transparent to the world and show God's glory in my every word and deed. Is this attainable? Nope. I sin and I stumble. If you ask my husband or children they would probably say, "Jesus who?" based on my behavior sometimes. But the more I strive to be like Christ and to be in the Word, the easier it is to see sinful behavior for what it is and to be open to God's conviction.

I have noticed that when I sin, I am instantly ashamed and feel the need to ask for forgiveness right then and there. This is a completely new experience for me, because I can honestly say that I have never been this close to the Lord in my life. I have had seasons where I was more obedient than others, but this is the first time that I have completely submitted myself to Him, which brings me to my next verse, James 4:7-8a:

"Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." This has been such a powerful verse in my daily walk. When I am tempted to do something sinful, this verse pops into my head. When I am submissive to God and try exhibit the attitudes and behaviors that He desires for me, the devil naturally flees from righteousness. And I pray the verse. I pray it when I sin and visualize Satan screaming in rage and defeat as God stands like a stone wall before me stopping and defeating the enemy.

There are so many other verses that have been revelations to me, but it would take hours of typing to share it all here. Suffice it to say that I would strongly recommend James as text for meditation and quiet time. I think I might move over to 1 Timothy next. Our pastor used it in his sermon last week, and I was strangely drawn to it. Have you ever turned to a passage in church and gotten so engrossed in reading that you missed part of the sermon? That's what I did this past Sunday (my apologies to Pastor Randy!), but it made me desire to know that particular chunk of scripture better.

God is good. He guides me and takes care of me daily. My life has been so changed since I started spending quality time first thing in the morning with Him. I thought I would never get used to rolling out of bed at 5:00 am every morning, but it has become such a habit that I'm not even bothered by it anymore. There have been a few mornings that I have been lazy (or sick), but all in all I have been consistent and that brings me a great deal of joy. I practically run to the living room with my hot, steaming mug of coffee to open my bible and see what God has in store for me. I read the same chapter all week, and every day God reveals something different. Some days my cross reference study shows me such amazing truths as I meander through the bible that I want to call someone and tell them! (And believe me, if it weren't 5:15 in the morning, more than one person would have received a call over the last few weeks!)

If this is an encouragement to you, then I give the glory to God. I fervently hope and pray that each of you enter into a season such as this...one of closeness and intimacy with the Lord.

Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. James 5:16

Will You Pray With Me?

I know that I have many sisters in Christ here in the blogosphere, and that is why I am putting this out there. I have a dear family member who has been struggling with addiction for some time now, and she is finally willing to go through a rehabilitation program to get her life in order.

Girls...she is in need of much prayer. She is a beautiful girl....smart, funny and mother to a wonderful little boy. Her life is in such shambles that it is hard for her to see days in the future, much less years. She is literally fighting for her life, and I firmly believe that the only way she is going to overcome this is through prayer (ours and hers) and through a spiritual awakening in her dry and thirsty soul. If anyone was ever in a desert place, it is her.

So I call on you, my sisters in Christ, my fellow prayer warriors....lift her up. Lift her up and thwart the plans that Satan has for her. Pray that God's will is revealed to her in a mighty way and that her life will be a testament to His mercy and grace.

Just pray.

Spiritual Faux Pas Forgiven

Thank you, dear friends, for all of your comments and suggestions regarding my quiet time! I may not drop in at your house for coffee, or see you at church during the week, but I have come to know and love each of you through our mutual interest in blogging. I want you to know how much I appreciate your responses.

I decided that getting up later was not an option, so I tried saying a quick prayer before I began reading the Word, and found that He opened my eyes wide this morning! I felt like He was revealing Himself directly to me as I read and I was frantically jotting notes in the margin of my bible. At the rate I am going, the book of James in my bible is going to be overrun with my handwriting!

When I finished up with a more in-depth prayer time, I found that I had even more to praise and thank Him for because of the reading! I was so overwhelmed that I found myself on my knees in the dining room, worshiping and glorifying His name in a way that I had not done in a long time. Although I posted my frustrations about being sleepy in a slightly humorous way, it was a real problem and Satan was using it to convince me to just stay in bed. After this morning, I am renewed and my memory verses for this week are:

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:2

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

The only way that I will be consistently renewed and refreshed is by reading the Word of God and by having an active and healthy prayer life. I feel like a new person this morning!

Up on the Mountain

I got up early again this morning and had my quiet time. No kids, no husband...just me and God. I spent time in prayer preparing myself for reading scripture and had such a revealing, intimate time with the Lord.

I met with my prayer/accountability partner (Ali) this morning and was doubly blessed today with our conversation and prayer. As we talked about our week and the scriptures that we had been reading, I discovered that she had also pulled out an old copy of Beth Moore's Whispers of Hope to help her in her quiet time. As Ronna would say, "Yay God!" I felt that it was more than coincidence that we had picked up the same book for study. I felt so in line with what God wants for my life and I am excited that I am progressing and maturing spiritually. This is one of those "mountain" times for me, and my prayer is that I will be able to persevere through the "valley" times that may be ahead.

It's been a lazy Saturday. I have done nothing more strenuous than bake and frost a layer cake for our friend's birthday party tonight. We're going over for fajitas (thank you Lord, for letting me live in Texas!) and fellowship with some of our dearest friends. I am so blessed that I barely have the words for it....

Time Alone With God

I should probably start by saying that I am not a morning person. This will come as no surprise to those who know me, but I felt that it was important to point it out.

I read Melissa's blog, and followed the link the the 5:00 am Club and was intrigued. I have been very rebellious regarding my quiet time with God and being in the Word aside from my Sunday School and bible study preparation. I have become so accustomed to either not having one at all, or just doing it when it seems convenient that I have completely forgotten what a blessing it is to start my day with real prayer and meditation.

I am ashamed to admit that the last time I really tried to commit myself to a regular quiet time was back in 2003. This is one area of my Christian walk where I am really weak, and I have been convicted of it in recent months. So, this morning I got up at 5:20am and prepared to have my quiet time before the kids rolled (leaped) out of bed. I felt like I needed something to guide me, so I pulled the Beth Moore book Whispers of Hope off the bookshelf, blew off the dust and dug in.

The book is intended to encourage prayer life (another area where I feel like I fail over and over again) and I was so excited to rediscover this tool that would help me stengthen my two weakest points. The devotional is broken up into 70 days of prayer and meditation and I was horrified that I only did 6 of them the last time.

Six.

Six measly days. That's as long as I could manage to stick with my quiet time.

Pathetic.

So, as you can imagine, I was excited about renewing my commitment to the Lord and to really dig into the Word and be more consistent with my prayer life. As I started to sit down at the table, I decided that I would rather have my shower and get dressed first so that I would be ready when the kids got up. Once I was dressed and ready for work, I went back to the kitchen for a cup of coffee before I sat down to begin.

I can't tell you how good it felt to unburden my heart to the Lord! I felt like a huge weight had been lifted..."Create in me a clean heart!" my soul cried, and God heard my prayer. I was refreshed and ready to dive into the Word, open to whatever He wanted me to see and understand.

I ended up reading the chapters that contained the verses I had committed to memorize earlier in the week, and I was overcome by the truth in what I was reading. I was really getting absorbed the Word, when Gracie came shuffling into the kitchen in her Pull-up. (I guess I'll do quiet time before the shower tomorrow!) My reading became a little sporadic as I dealt with all of her questions and needs as she got dressed. I had to keep reminding myself to be patient with her (it seemed wrong to yell and fuss while I was reading the bible....is there a lesson here?)When I told her to go put her shoes on, this is how she appeared.....


After a quick shoe change, I finally got her settled in the playroom with a DVD and was able to finish my reading. When I said my final "amen", I felt so good and ready to face the day. I can't wait for tomorrow morning and the chance to do it all over again.

Test Failed....Lesson Learned

I'm pretty sure I failed a test yesterday. Flunked. Bombed. F.

Nathan's first day of 1st grade was yesterday, and I drove him to school and walked him to the classroom. As I left him at his big-boy desk filled with books, I reminded him that he was to ride bus #7 to Miss Heather's house (our sitter) after school and that I would see him at home.

Fast forward to 4:00pm.

Nathan's bus still had not arrived at Heather's house, but I was not overly alarmed because it was the first day of school and things were bound to run a little slow. It was also raining cats and dogs, and that always slows things down.

4:17 pm.....no bus.

4:32 pm....still no bus.

I was started to get a little frantic as it was Nathan's first time ever to ride the bus, and even after repeated calls to the bus barn, I could not get a person on the line. I called Heather for updates several times, but the answer was the same.

Then at 5:01 pm Heather called me and the words she spoke made my insides turn to liquid and my heart stop beating.

"He's not on the bus."

"Oh God!! Please let him be okay! Please protect him and let him be okay!!!!" I had visions of abductions, police at the house, and search teams in the fields around our town.

As we were speaking, Trevor pulled up in her driveway, and I let her go so she could fill him in on the details. I was on the way home, sitting in traffic (if they knew how desperately I needed to get home, they would have parted like the Red Sea!) waiting for a call from Trevor. I gave him approximately 3.28 minutes, and when my phone did not ring, I called him.

I asked him what was going on, and he responded with some inane comment about how hard it was raining.

AAUUGGGHHHH!!!

I (rather rudely) interrupted with, "I don't care about the weather!! WHERE IS NATHAN??!!" Trevor was on his way home to see if Nathan had been dropped off there, which is what the driver of bus #7 had told Heather. Apparently, Nathan had gotten on the correct bus, but then through a series of misunderstandings was taken off and put on bus #29 (which goes to our empty house).

So, when Trevor discovered that Nathan was not home, he went back to Heather's to see if he had turned up there. This entire time we were unable to get in touch with the bus barn, but that is a story for another day. I was still on the phone with Trevor when he pulled up to Heather's house, and he said that Nathan was not there.

"Wait....there he is", were the sweetest words my husband has ever uttered to me. I calmly said "Thank you God!" and told Trevor good-bye. Then I promptly pulled over into the nearest parking lot and burst into tears. Tears of relief and joy that I had not lost my baby.

As soon as I recovered, I got back on the road home. I was still crying, but not so badly that I couldn't see the road. I wish I could say that I handled the situation calmly and with the knowledge that God was in control and that I could handle anything because of that knowledge.

Nope. I was a raving lunatic on the inside and my prayers were not prayers for calmness and peace, or even for grace to get me through whatever might happen. They were hastily thrown together words flung at the heavens in fear and confusion. When I should have leaned on God and let His peace and mercy wash over me and control my reactions, I could only scream in the most primal way to NOT TAKE MY SON FROM ME!

I know what the scripture says about worrying and about placing our trust completely in God, even in times of trouble. I don't usually have a problem with this when the situation is normal crazy, if you know what I mean. People who are sick, schedules bearing down on me, difficult times in my marriage, the death of loved ones, etc, etc. Those situations are built for praying and opening myself up to God's guidance and grace...I have the time to think about God's sovereignty and how I should respond as a Christian.

But in an emergency.....that's an entirely different story. I felt so ashamed after it was all over that I had not immediately stopped and prayed, praising God for being in control. I discovered that it's easy to teach Sunday School and bible study and point out these basic truths to others, with a whole fistful of scripture to back it up. It is an entirely different thing to practice it first hand when you feel like your entire world has imploded, leaving you gasping for air in the sudden vacuum.

Maybe that is the lesson I was supposed to glean from this experience. Although I failed to turn to God with complete faith and trust this time, my prayer and desire is that I will respond rightly next time.

Getting Rid of the Garbage

So after months and months of teaching Sunday school, attending my adult small group faithfully and teaching a bible study at work, I've finally been convicted. Yes, I am sad to report that it has taken over a year for me to be obedient to God in this particular area of my life, but the Holy Spirit is persistent and I am glad that He did not consider me a lost cause because of my rebelliousness. Praise God that none of us are lost causes!

Let me explain.

As I have studied the Word and allowed myself to really dig in and try to understand God's will through scripture, I have become hyper-aware of the trash that goes into my brain on a daily basis. TV programming, books, commercials, newspapers and the Internet are filled with images and language that I have no business watching or listening to. My favorite TV program glorifies a lifestyle filled with adultery, promiscuity, homosexuality and lies. When I put it like that, I'm embarrassed that I enjoy the program so much, but I love watching this show! It's entertaining and I love the story lines and the characters.

But (and this is a big but), it's clear in scripture that we should fill our minds with things that are edifying and pure. "Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things." Philippians 4:8 It most certainly does not tell us to watch Grey's Anatomy every week and see what kind of trouble Meredith is getting into.

We have been studying Ephesians in Sunday school and as I was preparing the lesson last week I was particularly struck by these verses. "Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a man is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them." Ephesians 5:1-7

How many times have I laughed at a double entendre or created one of my own? How many times have I allowed a vulgar word to come out of my mouth? How many times have I laughed at a dirty joke? Too many times to count over the course of my life, I'm ashamed to admit. Our society is inundated with coarse humor, impurity and sexual immorality.

When I was a child, a movie that contained even one mild (by today's standards) curse word was immediately banned from the house. My children watch cartoons that reference bathroom functions, sexuality, drugs and cursing. We have become oblivious to it. We have children's books that promote homosexuality as an "alternate lifestyle". The traditional family with a father and a mother is becoming less and less common. The world is falling further and further into the pit of sin that destroys families and churches.

We have become so desensitized to sin, that we no longer recognize it for what it is. That is the danger for Christians. I am not going to cheat on my husband just because I see someone on TV doing it. I'm not going to develop a penchant for cursing simply because I hear it in a movie. But we too often fall into the "it's just entertainment, I would never do that in real life, God knows my heart" line of reasoning that we stumble into sin in spite of our excuses. I become so desensitized to it that I don't always teach my children what is truly right and wrong. I am oblivious to the language in movies when my spirit should be grieved.

So does this mean that we should hop up on our soapboxes and start pointing judgemental fingers at the world around us? Certainly not. We are still called to love and serve for the cause of Christ. We are responsible not just for spreading the gospel to a lost world, but to let Christ shine through us by example. What says more about your faith? That you can have a lengthy conversation around the water cooler about the most recent episode of Grey's Anatomy, or that you have the strength of conviction about what you believe to choose not to watch it?

I realize that we have to live in the world, but we should always strive to not be of the world. We should pray for purity of thought, heart and mind so that we can be effective witnesses. The only way to grow spiritually is to slowly throw off our sinful nature little by little.

So, I am diligently working to remove the plank from my own eye. I have decided that I am going to end my relationship with Grey's Anatomy in the fall. On one level, I am very sad that I will never know what happens to Meredith and McDreamy. Will Burke and Christina ever work things out? Will Izzie and George hook up or will he honor his wedding vows to Callie? Will Alex ever commit and settle down? (Do you see how ridiculously addicted I am to this show?)

On the other hand, it feels good to be obedient. It's a baby step, but with the guidance of the Holy Spirit and a little help from my friends, I feel confident that I can purge all the smut from my life short of becoming a hermit. So, who's with me? Who wants to join the challenge to be actively aware of what you are allowing into your brain? We can't avoid everything, or else we would all be living a more simple life in the Pennsylvania countryside. But we can filter everything that we watch, read and hear through the unfailing truth and purity of God's Word. Do this with me and see how good it feels to be obedient to Him...I promise you will end up with a song of thanksgiving in your heart and praising Him for being so good.

CONFESSION:

Just as I was finishing up an hour of typing out this entry, and was putting the finishing touches on it, I closed it in edit mode, and the computer went nuts and erased the last 2/3 of my post. This was one of those posts that I had written so well that I was very proud of it. When I saw that all I had left was the first few paragraphs, I was briefly nauseous and then very angry. I looked at my husband with wild eyes of rage and helplessness and said, "I lost all of my work" (an exaggeration, I know) and then "I just spend over an hour typing!" To this he responded, "I know" as in "I noticed that you were ignoring the kids and me while you were happily typing away at your laptop"

Here's the clencher....after all the talk about purity of mind and thought and being led by the Holy Spirit, I called him a name that I will not repeat here. I was so mad that I needed to blame someone, and he was the closest. I slammed the laptop down, and stormed off in a huff ignoring his confused look and attempts to figure out what was wrong.

Come to find out, he didn't mean it like I took it (this happens more than I like to admit) and went as far as to apologize to me because I misinterpreted what he said. As I lay there in bed, I just looked at him instead of instantly begging forgiveness for being such a pain in his behind. Even as he stood there I could see that he was struggling to be a man of God and not put me in my place too harshly. What he came up with was, "You don't need to get so angry and talk like that." I can't tell you how much I loved him in that moment.

Anyway, I hope it is an encouragement to you that even though I can't even practice what I preach for 20 seconds after I type it, I'm not going to give up! This is proof positive that even the best intentions and motives will fall flat if we try to rely on our own strength.

A Positive Direction

I was a little shocked when I realized that it has been a week since I posted. I guess my break last weekend really went to my head and I just neglected blogging just as obsessively as I had been doing it before! This is not to say that I have not been reading my friends' blogs or checking my email, but I just didn't have much to say this week.

Well, ok....maybe that's not entirely true. I always have something to say, but I couldn't seem to get my thoughts together long enough for the past few days to create any sort of understandable missive. Anyhoo, here I am and hopefully my thoughts will be more organized this week.

This past week has been a strange one for me. To begin with, I started The Diet again and that always puts me in a wonderful mood. I am encouraged, however, because the pounds seem to be melting off and I'm not as hungry as I thought I would be. I am praying for perseverance because that is always my problem. The first few months of Dieting (yes, I intend to capitalize that word every time) are usually pretty easy for me because I am motivated and excited about what I am doing. Then the newness wears off, and I start having those thoughts. If you have ever seriously Dieted, then you know what I'm talking about.

"I'm not going to worry about this meal/dessert because I have done so well that it won't matter if I gorge myself this time."

Right.

My problem is that that one meal/dessert turns into 2 and then 6 and then I am spiralling out of control and slowly gaining back all of the weight I fought so hard to lose to begin with. The funny thing about it, is that I am always genuinely surprised when I put on my pants (that I bought because of the new, slimmer me) and they are tight and then, later, horrified because they will no longer go on at all. So, I am starting over again this week and I have a partner in crime at work, so there is someone to hold me accountable every day. And that's all I have to say about that.

On a more positive note, I really feel like I am improving in the "control my temper/submit to my husband" areas of my life. I have made a real effort to speak to Nathan and Grace in a reasonable tone of voice even when the voice in my head is screaming, "What's the matter with you! The furniture is not a jungle gym!!!" I have noticed that they are both responding to me differently as well. I think they are starting to realize that my first reaction is no longer yelling, and they have been doing what I say the first time more frequently. It's amazing what the tone of your voice can do.

I have also been praying and striving to be more submissive to Trevor. I have tried to hold my tongue (with limited success) and remember that my job is to respect my husband and do everything I can to make our home a comfortable environment for him. This behavior is definitely a work in progress and I can't claim that I am a model of submission and respect, but I am praying daily that the Spirit will fill me so that I can overcome all the rebellious behaviors that have become such a habit for me.

So, all in all I have had a good week and I am looking forward to the next with the expectation that I will continue in a positive direction with all of the areas in my life on which I am actively working.

But the Greatest of These is Love

I have mentioned before that we are studying Ephesians in Sunday School, and I was convicted today as I prepared for the lesson this week. The text is Ephesians 4:1-17, and within these verses is contained one of the greatest things we can do to fulfill our calling as Christians. What is this thing, you ask? Paul instructs us in verses 1-3 to "walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."

Sounds simple, doesn't it?

That's what I thought until I started digging deeper in my commentary and study guide. We are not just to tolerate one another until we can get out of Sunday morning worship. We are not supposed to simply roll our eyes and ignore that person (you know exactly who I'm talking about here) who tells the same lame joke over and over and thinks it's hilarious every, single time. This doesn't mean that we can smile to the faces of those who annoy us and then talk about them over lunch after church.

What this passage talks about is a real affection for brothers and sisters in Christ, and that being enabled by the Holy Spirit we embrace and love each other in the spirit of unity and peace. We put aside our selfish pride and we rebuke (and apologize, as the case may be) with an attitude of love and patience. I love that scripture in Proverbs! "Wounds from a friend are trustworthy"...wow! We should love and trust each other enough as children of the living God to be honest with each other. A loving rebuke from a friend can be trusted...I would much rather be lovingly critiqued by my friend than to be talked about by my enemies and never change the problem. It might hurt a little to hear it, but the joy of growing in Christ and strengthening those bonds with a fellow Christian are incomparable.

What this means is that we filter all those idiosyncrasies and annoying habits through the mind of Christ. Do your children's annoying habits make you love them less? What about your spouse? Parents? Of course not. We love them in spite of their faults and sometimes we love them more because of them.

If we are to be a spiritually mature church and unified in Christ, then we need to start seeing our fellow siblings in Christ in a much different light. I love this quote from Dr. D.G. Barnhouse: "Love is the key. Joy is love singing. Peace is love resting. Long-suffering is love enduring. Kindness is love's touch. Goodness is love's character. Faithfulness is love's habit. Gentleness is love's self-forgetfulness. Self-control is love holding the reins."

Lord, help me!!!!

Anyone who knows me is aware of my tendency to me judgemental and impatient in nature. I don't like frivolous people who tell stupid, predictable jokes. I don't like people who are superficial and those who have an insatiable need for attention and approval. I know how I like my people, and if you don't fit my bill I will more often than not just write you off as not worth my time or energy. But all the while I am silently pleading to not be judged myself. Please don't judge me by my weight or by my clothing. Please don't judge me because of my sometimes tactless mouth and watchful eyes.

Lord, help me.

This is one of many areas in my life that need an Extreme Makeover. I know what I need to do, but my heart is rebellious and I slip right back into those old, comfortable habits. I need to pray for a broken and repentant heart about this behavior. The only way that I am going to overcome this sin is through the working of the Holy Spirit, and I make a vow today: I will overcome. I will open myself fully to the Spirit and strive for spiritual maturity and unity within my own church. Lord, help me.

Poster Child for Crankiness

I am sad to report that I have not been the model of a Godly wife or mother today. It started badly when I was awakened at 5am by the town fire alarm, which was roughly 3 hours before I was planning on opening my eyes. I tried to go back to sleep but it turned out to be an impossible task, so I got up and logged on to the computer for a little blog browsing and email checking.

Once I finished with the computer, I turned on the television and promptly fell asleep watching "Planet Earth". The next thing I know, the kids are bouncing around the couch clamoring for breakfast. And so it began. I was a poster child for how to not be a nurturing loving wife and mother. I was tired and I was cranky, and I didn't care who knew it. I stomped around for a little while doing some last minute packing and fussing at the kids every time they looked like they might be thinking of getting in my way.

Trevor did his best to fly under my radar, but even he became something of a target for the fiery darts that were coming out of my mouth. So much for the marriage challenge! So much for my plans and lists of things that I was going to do better. The sad part was that the meaner and more spiteful that I was, the less I cared. I was like a child who knows they are wrong, but have gone so far that they refuse to turn back out of sheer stubbornness. That was me today....completely rebellious and stubborn. Knowing what I needed to do to correct the situation, but simply unwilling to do it.

I hate days like that. I wish I could say that I never have them and that I always treat my family with nurturing love and affection, but I don't. I nag my husband and I yell at my children. I stomp around and slam doors when I should be falling on my knees and praying for a change of heart and to be filled with the Spirit. It was 3:48pm before I did that, and I was exhausted. I had tired myself out with all of the negativity and strife. It's much harder to maintain a bad attitude than you might think, and when I finally responded to the conviction of the Holy Spirit and asked for forgiveness and a clean heart, the day suddenly seemed so much better.

I followed that prayer with a long nap and when I got up, I was refreshed and ready to treat my family with a little more respect and patience. I was still far from the model I was trying to be, but by the grace of God I was better. And who knows? In the words of Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton Kennedy Butler, "Tomorrow is another day" and hopefully I'll remember to start the day with prayer instead of just ending it that way!

The Plan

The plan was to do nothing today. The plan was to lay around, eat left-over chicken spaghetti for lunch and lay around some more. But as often happens in our house, the plan fell through. What actually happened was this:

Gracie woke me up at a 6:15 am and was promptly sent back to bed. We finally rolled out of bed at 8:20 am, and I was feeling pretty confident that my relaxing day was off to a good start. Until I made it to the kitchen and remembered that Kaben had spent the night and heard Gracie clamoring for pancakes. So, I pulled out the recipe I've been using since I was about 8 years old and made a batch of pancakes for breakfast while Trevor made a big pot of Community coffee.

Just as I was taking my pancakes off the griddle, the kids were finishing theirs so I cleaned sticky fingers and faces so they could get down to the business of playing. By the time I sat down with my breakfast, the best rating I could give it was lukewarm but at least the coffee was strong and hot. After I ate, I figured it was time to start relaxing in earnest so I took my dishes to the kitchen and started back to the living room to read a few blogs and check my email.

Trevor went outside to do some work on the vehicles and after some time on the computer, I decided that I needed to go ahead and take a shower and get dressed in preparation for all the laziness I had planned for my day. I was drying off when Trevor came in to tell me Charly and Nick were in the living room (Trevor's brother's wife and their son), so I spent the next 30 minutes or so talking to her but still attempting to live the dream of rest and relaxation.

Charly went to gather Nick to go home, but he was having such a good time that he didn't want to leave. I said that he could stay while Charly finished running (a completely separate story of insanity in this heat) and so she left and Nick made four. Nick wanted to hold the gerbils so I took Lucky out of the cage, and noticed that the cage was getting a bit ripe. I put the gerbils in their exercise balls and cleaned the cage. While I was dumping the bedding in the trash can in the utility room, I noticed that the laundry was taking over the room. And so it started.

After the cage was cleaned and the gerbils were repatriated, I retired to the utility room where the clothes were calling. I put a load on to wash and then noticed (do you see a pattern here?) that there was a mound of Gracie's clothes that needed to be ironed. So, I began to iron in between quelling rebellion and strife in the playroom and running outside to make sure that Gracie and Nick weren't drinking the bubbles. Before long, it was noon and my day of "relaxation" was half gone.

As I was slathering bread with peanut butter and jelly, Charly came back. The kids ate at the counter, and I fulfilled part of my plan by eating left-over chicken spaghetti for lunch. It was quite tasty and Charly undid all of her hard work and sweat in roughly 10 minutes by eating with me. We took Nick and Gracie outside to swing, visited for awhile and then based on the exponential increase in whining, determined that it was nap time for the kids.

I finished the ironing and put another load of laundry on, and then ran to the store for a new dress and a few items for our trip to Florida next week. By the time I got home it was 4:30, Gracie was up from her nap and my enchanting friend Kellye had picked Kaben up.

I guess the point today is that the way we plan things is not always the way things turn out. I was irritated at the time that my day was filling up with chores and responsibility, but now as I reflect on it I realize that God sent so many blessings my way and I completely missed them in the midst of my chaotic life. I had the opportunity to share breakfast and coffee with my family, to see my nephew and visit with Charly, and to have some alone time while I was shopping.

Lord, please open my eyes so that I can drink in the blessings that You give me every day. My very life is a blessing...my soul has been purchased by the blood of Jesus Christ and I rely on You to renew me each morning. Your grace is sufficient for me.

Praise You In This Storm

In recent weeks I have seen things happening to my family and friends that have been difficult and sometimes tragic. Four women that I know have miscarried early in their pregnancy. A good friend of mine lost his job, a woman in my Sunday School class unexpectedly lost her mother and my grandmother broke her hip. So many situations that are filled with grief, pain and uncertainty. Yet as I watch it all unfold from a distance, I can see God's glory in it.

It's difficult to praise God when things seem to be in a downward spiral. We know that as Christians we should, but we are human and we tend to get caught up in the moment and in ourselves. We want to complain and wallow in our pain, asking God over and over again, "why?" Sometimes He reveals the "why" to us, but more often than not we never see the ultimate plan that God has. Sometimes our suffering is for our edification and growth, and sometimes it is for someone else.

I love this song by Casting Crowns called "Praise You In This Storm". Every time I hear it I am reminded that storms come and go in our lives and all we can do is cling to God and trust that He will take care of us.

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls I barely hear
Your whisper through the rain "I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls I barely hear
You whisper through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Good Trip

I am so proud of Nathan and Grace. They have finally realized that travelling from Texas to Louisiana is just a part of life and that they might as well sit back and enjoy it. Of course, the installation of a DVD player makes all the difference in the world, but they are still very well behaved in their own right. They play quietly together and generally don't whine or cry unless it's close to the two hour mark and then we stop to walk around the WalMart in Jennings. This gives them an opportunity to work off some of that pent up energy and it gives me a chance to restock the snack bag.

In contrast to the trip to Louisiana, the trip home was free from heavy traffic and we made very good time. The kids were so excited to see Trevor...it was sweet to see them running full speed ahead to the front door so they could get to him as fast a possible. The cries of "Daddy! Daddy!" were beautiful and Trevor got an armful of wiggling, giggling babies.

The piano was in place and ready to play when we arrived home. I was so excited about sitting down and getting myself used to the keyboard again. Mama let me take a whole stack of music home with me so I would have something to play. Many of them were old theory and repertoire books from when I took lessons as a child, but the rest were books that Mama didn't use anymore and I was glad to have them. It shocked me that so many of the pieces that I could play straight through perfectly in high school were difficult to get though today. Playing the piano is definitely a "use it or lose it" affair and I'm looking forward to getting it back!

I called Claude (the music minister when I was a child, next door neighbor and piano tuner extraordinaire) to see if he could come and take a look at my new purchase. He agreed to come by Saturday morning around 9 am to go over the piano with me and see if it is really salvageable or not. Obviously I hope that it is, but if it is too far gone for real repair it was only $50.

So, I am home again and enjoying the evening with Trevor. I finally stopped banging on the piano and it's about time to be thinking about going to bed. I had a great weekend with my family, but now it's time to get back to the real world again. The world devoid of sleeping late, hot coffee waiting in the kitchen and Granny's porch. But my world has two sweet babies that give the best hugs and kisses, a wonderful husband who loves and takes care of me and a relaxing covered deck to sit on in the evenings as we unwind from the day's work.

Thank you God. Thank you for all the things I cherish and look forward to when I go home. Thank you for all the things that I so often forget about in my own day to day life and help me to remember how blessed I am. It's good to be home.

The Piano

I bought a piano for $50 today. It is an old, brown upright that was being sold at a garage sale. I had gone to the Jerusalem cemetery to put fresh flowers on Gramps' grave and I was at the Trinity cemetery to put flowers on Uncle Tellius' grave. The parsonage is right on the church property and Bro. Randy's daughter and son-in-law live in a house next to the graveyard and they were the ones having the garage sale.

As I drove up, I saw about 10 cars parked along the edge of the cemetery and at first I thought that there was a funeral service being conducted. Much to my horror, I realized that there was a garage sale in full swing as I was going to visit Uncle Tellius' grave for the first time since his death. It felt as though everyone was watching me as I walked past the tables and straight to the grave. I knelt to clear out the dried out flower arrangement that someone had left and replaced it with my own fresh flowers.

As I knelt there, the people milling around nearby left my mind and it was filled with memories of Uncle Tellius. Today marks the 4th month since his death and kneeling there before the mound of still fresh earth brought his death into sharp focus. Living in Texas affords me the luxury of blurring the memories of his illness and death, and going home was like opening a barely closed wound. And as always, I felt a twinge of guilt at my grief as I remembered how much more my cousins have suffered and grieved for the loss of their Daddy. As much as I loved him (and love him still), he was not my father and as strange as it might sound I feel weirdly guilty for my grief.

There are many that knew him better and were closer to him than I ever was. Many with closer ties and more stories and a lifetime of memories to tell. But, in spite of the twinge of guilt, I still grieve for a life that didn't seem quite finished. I know that God is on His throne and in control of everything, but the human part of me screams out "Why?! It's not fair!" like a petulant child.

So, as I prayed through my tears at the foot of his grave for understanding and peace, I began to feel better. I stayed for a few more minutes and then I made my way back to the car. As I was walking past the tables I saw a sign on the wall advertising a piano for $50. I just could not pass that up. We have been wanting a piano for a long time now and this seemed like the perfect opportunity. I paid for it and figured that we would devise a plan for getting it back to Texas. As it turns out, that is becoming a thorn in my side and would require an entire blog of it's own to do it justice!

I am so excited about this piano. Now the kids can take lessons, I can start playing again and we can sing around it when Mama and Daddy come to visit. I can't wait to make those kinds of memories with my kids and to see them learn how to appreciate and love music the way Trevor and I do.

Blessed

I had such a good day yesterday. Gracie crept into my bedroom at 6:15 am with the intention of getting into bed with me. I was on to her and pretended that I was still asleep to see what she would do. She laid down on the floor next to my bed and quietly talked to herself for a few minutes. When I rolled around to get her attention, she popped up like a jack-in-the-box and slipped between the covers with a sweet little grin.

Nathan met me halfway down the hall as I was stumbling towards the kitchen to tell me happy Mother's day. It was as though he had lain there awake waiting to hear me get up so he could be the first to say it. We had powdered doughnuts and milk for breakfast because it took the least amount of effort on my part, but the kids thought it was a wonderful treat.

Trevor had left my gift and cards on the counter the night before and I opened them with the kids. They chose a Willow Tree box with a family of four carved on the front, and Nathan and Grace both signed my card. Trevor deposited a generous sum of money in my fun account to spend at my leisure. At first I was set on getting a professional Kitchen-Aid stand mixer since the one I have is the base model and starting to show it. Then I started thinking that I might get a new digital camera. I still haven't decided, but either way it will be a good purchase.

I was outside on the deck drinking my coffee when I heard the phone ring. It was Courtney calling to wish me a happy Mother's Day. This is her first one with Jack and I was glad to have a chance to talk to her. I love it that she has a baby now and that we have that in common. We don't agree on everything, but raising kids is one thing that we both see in the same light. I am so glad that she has a great husband and a beautiful baby boy...she deserves good things and I'm glad that her life is so blessed.

Click to play Make your own Smilebox

After church, Trevor cooked lunch and we had a relaxing afternoon together. I took a nice long nap and then spent most of the afternoon outside with the kids. We had taken Trevor's mom out Saturday night so we could celebrate with her, leaving Sunday open for our little family to spend some time together. We also felt like Charly didn't need to have a house full of people in light of her recent surgery. It worked out perfectly and we really enjoyed the day together.

Thank you Lord. Thank you for my children and for a husband who loves and appreciates me. Thank you for all those moments together as a family that draw us closer to each other and to You. Thank you for all the blessings in my life.

Easing the Grip

Whoo hoo! It's Friday!!!! My favorite day of the week is here and I am ready to begin my free time. I still have a few hours left at work, but I intend to spend a large portion of that time daydreaming about the weekend. I like to get home on Friday and mow the lawn before Trevor and the kids get home so that we can enjoy a pleasant evening outside with the smell of fresh cut grass in the air. Maybe I'll stop and get a few steaks on the way home and set up the table outside and we'll eat on the deck tonight.

Last night I eased my grip on Nathan just a little. He asked me if he could ride his bike, and I finally relented after a quick review of the rules. "Do we talk to strangers in cars? No. What do we do if we see a car? Pull over to the side of the road and stop. What do we do if a stranger in a car follows me? Go to Uncle Will's or come home...whichever is closer. Where are we allowed to ride? From my house down to Uncle Will's and back." I guess I was hoping that all of the rules would discourage him from actually wanting to ride his bike, but my ploy did not work and off he went. I watched from the porch as he made his first trip down the street and back and then made myself go in the house.

Five minutes later I was back out on the porch looking for him, but didn't see his bike anywhere. I could feel the knot forming in my stomach, but willed myself to be calm and to not assume the worst. Sure enough, he had just stopped at Will and Charly's for a minute to chat and I couldn't see him in the driveway. Danger averted.

I went inside after admonishing him to stay on the road where I could see him and sat down again. Five minutes (and an amused look from Trevor) later I got up to check on him. He was still riding and doing just fine. There were no pedophiles or kidnappers in sight so I relaxed a little and went back inside.

I sat for as long as I could stand it (I might have made it to 6 minutes) and then went to check again. My baby was nowhere in sight. No bike...no Nathan. The knot tightened and I resisted the urge to scream his name. I forced myself to be reasonable and calm. "Check the gate to the backyard", I reasoned. "Maybe he is finished riding and is putting his bike away." Sure enough, there he was on the deck engaging the kickstand and preparing to go inside. When he looked up and saw me standing there, I pretended like I was just closing the gate for him. As I walked across the driveway I said a quick prayer of thanksgiving for his safe return.

When I went back inside, I felt weak in the knees. Trevor saw the look on my face and quickly said, "He just came in the back door!" I told him that I had seen him, then relayed the panicked moments standing in the driveway. I know it sounds like I'm weirdly overprotective but I am actually much better than I used to be. Believing that God is sovereign and that no matter what happens He is in control, has helped me let go a little. He has given me my children for a set time, and only He knows when that stewardship will end. My hope is that they will grow into adulthood but I also know that I have to give Nathan and Grace room to grow and do things on their own. I protect them in every way that I can, but in the end I have to rely on God for the ultimate outcome.

So my prayer is for peace when I want to worry. Turning all the things I worry about (and believe me, it's more than just the kids!) over to God is the only way to obtain true peace and satisfaction. It's a lesson that comes with more than a little difficulty for me, but it's worth learning.

Another Milestone

Nathan lost his first tooth yesterday. He came into my bedroom as I was dressing and showed me (for about the 439 time since he realized that it was loose) how loose it was. His exact words were, "It came up on one side!" The other side was leaning on another tooth and I told him if he pulled the loose one away from the other one, he would probably have a visit from the Tooth Fairy that night or the next. He reached in and then with some surprise pulled the tooth completely out!

There really aren't words to describe how excited he was. He jumped up and down (never mind the bleeding gum) and ran around in circles. We called Daddy to tell him the good news and then jumped around some more. He insisted that he bring it to school so he could wear it around his neck in some sort of tooth receptacle that the nurse has devised for such an occasion. He began to plot and plan how he was going to spend the money left under his pillow by that nocturnal sprite we know and love.

He was so excited about this milestone, and although I was excited for him I unexpectedly felt a little sad. Nathan was my first baby. I learned how to be a mother with him. I made many mistakes with him that I did not repeat with Grace. I carefully recorded each sigh, step and bite of food. I anxiously looked through my development books to make sure that he was right on track with all of his milestones. I cheered him on and probably pushed him harder than I should have to do all of the "firsts" instead of just letting it happen.

In spite of my mistakes and sometimes overzealous encouragement, he grew straight and tall over the years. He evolved from that chunky little red-headed baby into a precocious toddler and then to a preschooler with an insatiable curiosity. Now he is at the end of his Kindergarten year and is beginning to read, can jump off the top of the fort in the backyard, and is an accomplished bike rider. He's growing so fast and it's almost more than I can bear. The loss of that first tooth just brought it into sharp focus yesterday.

I think what saddens me about Nathan growing up is the fact that I am getting closer and closer to the day that he won't need me anymore. I know that we never lose the visceral feeling of needing our mothers....I feel like I need mine all of the time. But we we don't literally need them the way that we did when we were children. To Nathan, I am the center of the universe; his world revolves around me. He needs my nurturing and comfort. He needs the special way that I take care of him when he is sick. I occupy a place in his world that no one else could ever inhabit, and that is one of the things I love most about being a mother. I am replaceable in almost all other areas in my life, but never as a mom. His unconditional, pure love is something that I drink in like clear cold water every time I look into his green-gold eyes.

So, I am beginning to prepare myself for all of those little deaths that I will have to die as a mother. The first time he is embarrassed by my affection in public. The first time I give him the keys to the car to go out with his friends. The first time I begin to see him as a man. The first time I see that his love is directed at another woman. We sometimes think that those "firsts" are limited to babyhood and childhood, but they are not. There are so many firsts in his life and the older he gets the slower I want them to come. I pushed him to take that first step, but now I am beginning to dig my heels in a little as each new milestone appears. I think there might be deep ruts behind me by the time he leaves home!

It seemed like such a simple, ordinary thing when he told me he had a loose tooth a few weeks ago. I guess that nothing is simple or ordinary when it comes to the lives of our children, especially when we see their childhood slipping by like so many grains of sand in an hourglass.

Lord, thank you for Nathan. Thank you for a beautiful, intelligent child who never ceases to amaze (and humor) me with his wit and his commentary on life in general. I have been blessed beyond measure and I pray that I will have the grace to guide him on the path that leads to You. There is no greater gift that I can give him than the means and knowledge to come to know You and to give his life over to Your service. I pray for early salvation and a life well lived for your glory. Amen.

"Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
Oh, fear the LORD, you His saints!
There is no want to those who fear Him.
The young lions lack and suffer hunger;
But those who seek the LORD shall not lack any good thing.
Come, you children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD."

Psalm 34:8-11

Eyes in the Back of My Head

Thanks to the determination of my spousal unit, the gas line is repaired, inspected and back online. As I stood under the steamy hot water to wash away the last remnants of sleep this morning, I was thankful once again for Trevor. Had he been in China when this happened, I might be standing over a basin of water heated in the microwave trying to wash my hair. Now I'm not a complete dunce....it would have been fixed eventually, but it wouldn't have been as quick. So thank you, Trevor! Thank you for my shiny clean hair and freshly shaved legs!

I was awakened at the ungodly hour of 4am by my eldest. He was nearly in tears as he told me about the aliens at his Gran's house and of the red wasp that was in his mouth. I gently took him back to his bedroom and laid with him in the wedge of light produced by the closet. It didn't take him long to fall asleep and as I was walking back to my own room, I wondered for the billionth time how the human brain works while we are sleeping. I've certainly had my share of strange dreams....who hasn't? But it never ceases to amaze (and sometimes horrify) me how real dreams can seem. I've literally awakened in tears from grief or pain. And how many times have I opened my eyes after dreaming and been mad at Trevor for something he didn't even do?!

As Nathan was sitting at the bar eating his oatmeal this morning, he seemed completely unaffected by his nocturnal visions. When I asked him about the dreams, he said something offhanded about wasps in his mouth, but without the terror of his earlier confession. He had already moved on to something else, primarily bothering his baby sister who was sitting next to him. Which brings me to another subject: siblings.

Over the course of the last few months, Trevor and I have become full-time mediators. We knew it would happen eventually, but we had hoped that our utopia would last a little longer than it did! Nathan and Gracie appear to be engaged in an ongoing battle for territory. "That's my chair! That's my coloring book! Get out of my room!" It is not limited to inanimate objects either. "Gracie touched my arm! Nathan pinched me! Gracie sat on my chest! Nathan won't share!" It goes on and on and on. Recently I have noticed an annoying itching on the back of my head. Could it be that my eyes are coming in? Maybe the sound of children arguing activates the hormone that encourages ocular growth through the scalp. I'm going to need every edge against these kids. The 2 year old already knows how to play the bloodcurdling scream card to her advantage, the 5 year old has the innocent "who me?" look down pat.

Now, I realize that I am not experiencing anything new to parenthood. I can recall territory battles from my own childhood. But I am just now appreciating how close Patrick and I came to sending my parents to the insane asylum. If we had known how close we were to being homeless orphans, we might have taken a step back and reconsidered our behavior. Or not. I think it is a function of being a child that allows to you to be completely oblivious to everything around you....and some people maintain that "childlike" state throughout their adulthood!

So, I pray every morning for a double portion of patience and wisdom, so that I will be a calm mediator for the kids and be able to correctly discern the culprit from the victim. I'm just waiting on the eyes.......

Close My Mouth and Open My Mind

I do not like change. Never have and probably never will. I can hang on to a ragged pair of shoes long past the time that they should have been retired simply because I don't want to deal with new ones. The possible blisters and breaking in and the way they make my feet look different.

I get upset when my computer browser changes appearance or when I have to navigate a new cell phone design. I rant and I rave to Trevor about how stupid this new browser is....what was wrong with the old one? How do I get to the contacts on my new cell phone? Trevor just sits as quietly and motionless as possible hoping that I won't take notice of him and turn all that frustration in his direction. I tend to use the word stupid a great deal and usually end up in a really bad mood with the computer off or the cell phone closed with the announcement that I hate it and will not EVER use it. Trevor continues to sit quietly in his chair, trying to act like he's not there.

Over the course of the next few days I gradually learn the new system and before long I am recommending my cell phone to anyone who will listen, and troubleshooting browser problems for my friends. This is how I operate. I don't like meeting new people (I'm not used to them and they might be weird). I get upset at anything that changes my routine or system (I'm highly organized and change upsets the efficient flow of my life). I'm not real thrilled about the first day of school, first day of work...basically the first day of anything (too many unknown variables).

I see this trait in my son and it disturbs me a little bit. He needs time to adapt to new things and situations and I see his frustration. It looks just like mine and I don't like it. I'm unreasonable and more than a little mean-spirited when I'm frustrated and I hate seeing that in my 6 year old. The needing time to adapt doesn't bother me.....I don't think we can change our gut instinct. But we can change our reaction and that's what I am trying to do. Change my reaction from, "that is so stupid...what's wrong with the way it is?" to "this looks like it might have possibilities...let me try it out!"

So, my prayer this morning is that I will choose to react in a more positive way to change for myself, and also for the sake of my son and the sanity of my ever patient husband. Lord, please close my mouth and open my mind. Amen.