This has been such a strange couple of weeks for me. I had a really hard time getting into the spirit of things this Christmas, and was vaguely glad when it was all over with. I had to work both Christmas Eve and the day after, so it didn't seem like I ever really had time to enjoy things like I normally do. I usually take most of the week of Christmas off from work, but since I had taken vacation at Thanksgiving, I worked this year.
I guess I was in a bit of a funk to begin with, and I was hoping that things would return to normal after Christmas was over. I thought that once the decorations were down and the New Year had been celebrated, I would feel more like myself, and less like a Grinch.
I thought wrong.
For some inexplicable reason, I can't seem to shake this feeling of my life not being quite right. I can't even put my finger on it. It's like I go through my day doing all the things I normally do...go to work, joke with my friends, make dinner, play with the kids, kiss my husband...but my heart is not in it. I know that sounds terrible, but it's true. I feel like I'm living my life on autopilot, and I don't know how to regain control. I'm just cruising at a steady altitude with no clue how to land.
I wanted to post about my Christmas along with pictures of the kids, but I just couldn't get up enough motivation to do it. I wanted to make a Smilebox of all the Christmas morning festivities to send to my family so they could see pictures of Nathan and Grace opening their gifts, but when I had time I just wanted to be lazy and not do anything at all. I wanted to get started on the thank you notes that need to be sent out, but again, no motivation.
There is no reason to feel this way. My husband loves me to distraction, my children are beautiful and healthy, I have a good job and my family would do anything for me. There is absolutely no reason to feel so ungrateful. So strange. So empty. What is wrong with me??
I think a big part of the problem is that I no longer have regular quiet times and my prayer life has been reduced to hasty mutterings throughout the week and a nice long one for the Sunday school class. It all seems so fake and inconsistent, and I want to make a change. I need to make a change. I am tired of grieving the Holy Spirit with my faint heart and inconsistent living.
It's time for obedience. It's time for the rebellion to stop. It's time.