Saturday, January 3, 2009

It's Time

This has been such a strange couple of weeks for me. I had a really hard time getting into the spirit of things this Christmas, and was vaguely glad when it was all over with. I had to work both Christmas Eve and the day after, so it didn't seem like I ever really had time to enjoy things like I normally do. I usually take most of the week of Christmas off from work, but since I had taken vacation at Thanksgiving, I worked this year.

I guess I was in a bit of a funk to begin with, and I was hoping that things would return to normal after Christmas was over. I thought that once the decorations were down and the New Year had been celebrated, I would feel more like myself, and less like a Grinch.

I thought wrong.

For some inexplicable reason, I can't seem to shake this feeling of my life not being quite right. I can't even put my finger on it. It's like I go through my day doing all the things I normally do...go to work, joke with my friends, make dinner, play with the kids, kiss my husband...but my heart is not in it. I know that sounds terrible, but it's true. I feel like I'm living my life on autopilot, and I don't know how to regain control. I'm just cruising at a steady altitude with no clue how to land.

I wanted to post about my Christmas along with pictures of the kids, but I just couldn't get up enough motivation to do it. I wanted to make a Smilebox of all the Christmas morning festivities to send to my family so they could see pictures of Nathan and Grace opening their gifts, but when I had time I just wanted to be lazy and not do anything at all. I wanted to get started on the thank you notes that need to be sent out, but again, no motivation.

There is no reason to feel this way. My husband loves me to distraction, my children are beautiful and healthy, I have a good job and my family would do anything for me. There is absolutely no reason to feel so ungrateful. So strange. So empty. What is wrong with me??

I think a big part of the problem is that I no longer have regular quiet times and my prayer life has been reduced to hasty mutterings throughout the week and a nice long one for the Sunday school class. It all seems so fake and inconsistent, and I want to make a change. I need to make a change. I am tired of grieving the Holy Spirit with my faint heart and inconsistent living.

It's time for obedience. It's time for the rebellion to stop. It's time.


Rhonda said...

You are most likely right with your conclusion.

It's not fun to be in a funk. I've been there before. Sometimes you even feel as though you can't connect to God or anything spiritual.

I recommend asking your husband to pray for you. He is your covenant partner and has spiritual authority to pray for you.


Mocha with Linda said...

Praying for you, my friend.

Sounds like you are on the right track.

But if getting your spiritual life back up to speed doesn't completely solve it, don't rule out a hormonal imbalance. There are physical things that can also cause the malaise you are feeling.

Love ya!

beyond this moment said...

I've been totally lacking in motivation lately as well. I've been avoiding those things I enjoy most. I've been told that perhaps my outlook on life would improve if I was more obedient.

luvmy4sons said...

I am sorry my friend and unfortunately I think I understand. To a lesser degree I often battle some of the same issues. I awake every morning with a feeling of not wanting to even get out of the bed...dreading the day. Obedience is what helps me through. I simply start doing what I know I have to do...and I have been blessed lately with some of those moments with God that sweep in and transform everything. Keep on keeping on sister. I will be praying that God restore to you the joy of your salvation and create in you a new heart of joy...He hasn't left. He is right there...and He is working even within these dulldrums. I believe many women experience this from time to time. At least I have and I do...listing the promises of God...coming right out and facing all my negative thoughts and feelings then countering them with the promises has helped me immensely. Praying for you.

Mel said...

Oh the dry times are difficult, but it definately sounds like you are going in the right direction!!

Heather C said...

I agree with all the girls, Xandra... you're definitely on the right track by seeking to regain consistency in your quiet times.

That being said, I've used all the same words and phrases to describe myself before, and one of the things that helped get me out of that "funk" was my doctor discovering that my thyroid levels were out of whack. It wasn't completely the root of my problem, but it sure was a big part of it. If you haven't had a physical lately, please ask them to check that for you. I know that some women hate taking medications, but for me... a little bit of synthroid did me a world of good. I feel NORMAL again.

((((((((((((((Xandra))))))))))))))))) Praying you through this desert time. Love you!

Rachel said...

Were you listening in on my conversation with God this morning?! I have been feeling the same way. I'm praying for you, girl!

Jill said...

And this is why I have been praying for you ... in your absence, unlike you...the you I know... I had a feeling this were a little squeaky in the okay range, but I just prayed...figured I would see your Christmas in due time and actually prayed for all of your family incase that was the reason for the break...but now I understand. Get back on the horse girl, my goodness that Texas dirt is under your foot... grab ahold of some Jesus time, I had me a moment this morn...put me back on my butt when I wondered how powerful this God is that I serve, and the earth will quake at His presence...whew...blew me away. I'll keep prayin.

Lisa said...

I am with you. I have been in that funky place for a while. That is not a fun place to be, in rebellion. I have started by getting back in the Word. Sounds like you are headed in the right direction!

lori said...

That was worded so well. I am just gonna pray for you a fresh wave of God and and a spirit of motivation.

Kellye said...

It is so strange for me to see all the perky holiday ads on tv and in stores and happy faces plastered everywhere during the season. Holidays are hopefully, but many times not, jolly. It's a season of being extremely busy, being bombarded with commercialism, running house to house to visit friends and family, trying hard to keep everyone else happy while sometimes forgetting about our own happiness (and source of true joy), not to mention the nasty weather we experience in what we call winter in Texas. It can be a very anxious and sometimes depressing time. I will pray for you. Hang in there, sister.

Buffi said...

Wow Xandra...exactly what the Lord is speaking to me!!! you just isn't the same without the flame of the Lord moving us forward, is it? I pray that you will indeed be able to have those quiet times again!!! I pray I do too!!! :) I hope that this week is an amazing week for you!!

Crystal said...

Thanks for being so open and honest! I can relate with not feeling the Christmas spirit this year. Mine had some to do with my time alone with God (or lack there of) but also with our recent circumstances! It was hard to find quiet time with God with a new baby and then when the Hubs lost his job & we had to move, well that just shook everything up! We have been attending a new church and God's Word has just come alive to me again! I will be praying that God will give you a deeper desire for His Word! That is a prayer that He is sure to answer!

Becoming Me said...

I loved your honesty and vulnerability in this post. Funks are so draining...but I find that the renewel that follows is so sweet

Karen said...

Hey Xandra, Just popping in to see how you're doing. I love that you wrote this post. We need to share the good times and the struggles with one another. You're not alone and I hope that you're seeing a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. I think these funks are inevitable for moms. We give and give and give, taking care of everyone, and then we crash. It's okay. Especially when the kids are younger, you never get a break.

I also came by because I remember seeing a really cool award and button that you left for me before Christmas! I came over to collect it and to say 'thank you.'

Wish we were closer, I would love to sit down and share a pot of tea:)

Alana said...

Girl, I hear you...and I have definitely been there. Maybe I even am there. I'll be praying for you. Also, I have realized in recent years that I get a little down in winter...maybe because I'm inside so much? I think there is definitely a connection, though. Of course it isn't that wintry there, is it? So maybe that doesn't apply to you! ;-)