Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I Miss Him

Oh! How I miss him. Nathan has been in DC since Friday, and the house just doesn't feel the same without him in it. My routine in the morning is not the same. Coming home is not the same. Dinner is not the same. Bedtime is not the same.

The worst time of the day is when I close my eyes to go to sleep. It's my habit to think of the kids right before I fall asleep, because it's only when I reassure myself that they are safe and sleeping soundly that I can drift off. But the past few days when I've closed my eyes, all I can see is his empty bed and felt this feeling of emptiness. It's like I'm homesick for him.

I know he's safe. My brother is from Texas. He owns a Glock and has no problems using it to defend his home and family. My sister-in-law would throw herself in front of a truck if it meant saving Nathan. No, he's safe with Patrick and Ronna. He's loved, cared for and well-fed. I'm not worried about him at all.

But I miss him desperately.

I miss his quick little smile and the way he says such funny things. I miss the smell of his skin and the feel of his arms around my neck when he hugs me goodnight. I miss his nightly mantra: "Goodnight, don't let the bedbugs bite, sweet dreams, see ya in the morning." But I don't see him in the morning. I get up, get dressed, get Gracie up and going and start my day without him.

I try to quell my homesickness for him by calling Ronna at least 43 times a day for blow by blow updates about his visit. She patiently tells me everything that has happened since I called 22 minutes ago, and never makes fun of me, because she is a mom too.

On the upside, it's been fun spending some one-on-one time with Gracie. We celebrated her 4th birthday last weekend, and I realized that this was the first birthday she has ever had to herself with us. Nathan was the firstborn, so he had 3 birthdays with us before Gracie came along, but she's never experienced that. We enjoyed being able to focus on her and give her some much needed attention.

We've played games, and played outside. I didn't want to go to work yesterday because I was having such a good morning with her, that I didn't want it to end. I would have given almost anything to stay home and play "Hippomapotamus" with her. (Hungry, Hungry, Hippos) She has been so much fun to be with the past several days. I think she's enjoying this time with us as well, although she misses Nathan. She wanted to say the blessing at dinner last night, and the entire prayer was an entreaty for God to keep Nathan safe while he was at Uncle Patrick, Aunt Ronna and Benjamin's house and while he was on the plane. It was so sweet.

(Has anyone ever wished they had a video camera rolling during prayer time? My children say some of the sweetest things when they talk to God.)

Anyway, missing Nathan is about to become a bigger part of my life. When he gets home this weekend, I'll have just enough time to wash all of his clothes, repack them and send him off on vacation with my parents for a week. They are taking Nathan and Gracie to Tyler where they have a timeshare with an indoor water park.

When they get back, Nathan will go back to Louisiana with them for a week and Gracie will stay here. He will effectively be gone 3 weeks, before he comes back home for the rest of the summer. The good thing is that I will be off the Monday and Tuesday of the fourth week, so we can do some fun stuff together and catch up.

So, I need to go to bed and get some sleep, but I'm dreading all that homesickness when I close my eyes. The best thing for me (besides taking a nice dose of Lunesta) is to pray myself to sleep. It's the only thing I can do to clear my mind and bring me peace.


Leah in Iowa said...

Oh, Xandra - I understand that homesick feeling. Even though you're actually at home, it's like home just isn't normal anymore! When Brady worked and lived away from us last summer, it was like a piece of me was missing! Very weird, but yet very normal for a guy his age. I'll be praying for you!

The Young's said...

Wow...I would feel the same way that you do!!! It's nice that he can stay with your family, but I cannot imagine being without my kiddos for the whole week. Sophie goes to camp for the first time this summer. I'll be feeling the same way you are!! Hang in there. I'm praying for ya!!

Karen said...

This is so sweet. Be glad that when he comes home, he'll still be a little boy for a while. One of the things I miss about my son going off to college is that I keep seeing him in my mind's eye at Nathan's age. I miss that little guy sooo much! I love the young man that he's become. Somehow I wish I could have both of them!

luvmy4sons said...

Your post hit home for me. I know that my "miss him" pains are going to hit me big when my eldest leaves for California in August. He will be spending his 19th birthday out there alone. It is hard to let our children go...and it is good to miss them. Hugs for you. My situation is different, but I so udnerstand the emotions!

Crystal said...

I pray myself to sleep often! I'll be praying for you these next few weeks while he's away from home! I can't imagine! We've only been away from Luke for 2 nights and that was hard enough! I'm glad you're getting some extra special time with Gracie this week too!

Alana said...

I feel the same way when Richie is away. In the past we have sent him to my parents for a week in the summers and the house is just not the same. I miss his spirit. Hang in there, he will be home before you know it!

Heather C said...

((((((((((((((Xandra))))))))))))))))) Your tender post made me cry. :) I'll be praying for you over the coming weeks.


Mocha with Linda said...

Oh I ache with you and for you! I know you will be so glad to see him. There's just nothing like being a mom, is there?

Carol said...

I am feeling so empathetic right now and mine is asleep in the bed. I think our boys are the same age, just finished first grade, so I can only imagine how you are feeling. I'm homesick for him for you. Pathetic, aren't I? I'm praying the time will sail by. And I'm sure he is having a blast! :)

Becoming Me said...

Ohhhh, I feel for you and with you. My little Pumpkindoodle has been away since Sunday and I miss her so. I'm enjoying some of the quiet time, but I do miss my little girl. Everything is so different without her.