I AM---Not Like I Planned Part II

Discussion Questions:
1. I am going to present to you a little acrostic to begin our discussion today. What is your latest NLIP? (Not Like I Planned?)
I guess my most recent NLIP concerns our small group at church. About a year ago, my fervent prayers to God that my husband would be filled with the Spirit and become the spiritual leader in our home were answered. We began attending a couples small group and became good friends with the core group. At the time, we were doing a study called The Truth Project (I highly recommend this study!) and as we grew spiritually, we were also growing socially. Trevor and I had never really had close friends as a couple, and this was a new and exciting experience for us.

Then the Truth Project ended, and we moved on to the next study. It wasn't nearly as engaging, and attendance lagged in small group. When we finally moved on to the next study, there were mixed feelings about the content and presentation, and faithful attendance continued to lag. Although our group had expanded beyond the few core couples, we were never all there at the same time and there was no sense of accountability. The group was larger than originally intended, and it was impossible to make everyone happy.

So how is this a NLIP? After my experience with the Truth Project and how we were able to open up and share with one another, I felt certain that we had found our niche. This was a place that we could come and be fed from the Word each week. These were friends that we could trust and encourage. My plan was for this group to remain exactly the same forever. Then it all unraveled and fell apart and we felt like we were adrift.

2. How did you react to your NLIP? Are you still upset about it? Happy about it? Baffled by it? Explain.
We were frustrated that very few people seemed to have the desire to dig into the Word when it required something more of their time and energy, and a little angry at the whole situation to be perfectly honest. We began to pray about our small group and for discernment. I made it a priority in my quiet time to pray about it and so did Ali, my prayer and accountability partner. I knew what I wanted to happen, but I prayed that God would show me what He wanted and to use me to facilitate His plan.

Events fell into place in such a way that I knew at once it was God working in our lives. One of the women in our small group took on a new small group as her ministry and by doing so, alleviated some of the issues of our small group not being so small anymore. One of the other couples felt led to take a break from small group for a season to focus on their family. This left 3 couples, which was what Ali and I had felt would be an ideal number. Enough people for free exchange of ideas, but a small enough group to foster accountability and encouragement.

Am I sad that the original group of people are no longer meeting each week? Of course I am. I miss that particular group of people, but because God is good, He has given me something else. I may not know everything there is to know about God, but I do know that He always works things out for my good. Praise God for being in control!

3. Have you ever attempted to step into an area of ministry and found your desire rejected? Did this cause you to question God and yourself? Perhaps distrust what you perceived to be your calling?
I haven't really reached a point where I stepped out and was rejected, but I know that Satan desires it. He wants us to step out in faith and feel as though our efforts are in vain, so that he can gloat when we backtrack and question God and our very salvation. He lives to plant seeds of doubt and fear, and the only way to overcome is to put all of our trust in God. If we are truly motivated by the desire to glorify God and to let His light shine through us, we may have a NLIP with regard to what we think our ministry should be, but God will reveal His good and perfect will in His time. We just have to trust Him.


4. Do you harbor any bitterness towards any individual or situation which you believe waylaid your best laid plans?
I did at first, because all I could think of was my own loss. The loss of fellowship with good friends, the loss of digging into the Word with trusted Christians. The loss of intimate prayer and worship with my group. But God uses all things for His glory, and this was no exception. He opened up a new ministry in our church, He provided me with Ali to personally encourage me and hold me accountable, and He pared our group down to a manageable number while avoiding hurt feelings. Although I felt out of the loop for a time, God was always in control!

5. Have you had a life experience or trial that left you with a shaken faith because it ended in an NLIP?
I can't think of anything that caused my faith to be shaken, but there have been many times that my faith was renewed and restored by seeing God's hand in my NLIP.

6. Based on Moses' response of faith to his own rejection, how will you re-evaluate your own experiences or look at future ones differently if a NLIP presents itself?
My prayer is that I will see every experience as an opportunity to glorify God. Sometimes that means getting over myself, if you know what I mean. It's not about me, it's about what I can do to glorify God. I am so opposed to change, and sometimes I need to just look beyond the immediate circumstance and press on toward the prize.


If you want to read more about the study, click here.

I AM -- When Life Doesn't Work Out Like You Planned

Discussion Questions:

1. It was stated in the Lesson that God has made you "once, twice, three times a lady." Where are you in this progression? Obviously we have all been physically born, but are you 'twice a lady'? Have you been born again spiritually? If you have already received this gift, write a brief prayer of thanksgiving or testimony.

I'm sorry, but for a few minutes there, all I could see in my mind's eye was Eddie Murphy as Buckwheat on SNL, singing, "Fee Tines a Mady"! But seriously, I am a lady three times over, although I never thought of it that way before. I know that He placed me where I am for reason, and now that I am reflecting on it, I thank Him for placing a missionary in my path when I was a child so that I would come to know Christ. I had made a profession of faith in 2nd grade, because all of my classmates were doing it, and it looked like great fun to be dunked in the baptistry. I had a head knowledge of Christ, so I was able to answer all of the pastor's questions and fooled everyone (including myself) that I was saved.

I went to GA camp a few summers later, and there was a missionary who led all of our worship times. I don't remember his name or where he had gone on his mission trips, but I vividly remember a demonstration that he set up one evening. He had placed a pad of art paper on an easel, and using a bullwhip he proceeded to shred it to bits. It was a visual tool to make the suffering of Christ more impactful, and boy did it work! I had seen him earlier that week showing his prowess with it by knocking tin cans off of a shelf with one flick of his wrist, and letting all of us try to use it. (It's much harder than it looks!) Seeing him use it in such a destructive way really brought Christ's sacrifice into full focus for me.

He explained that Christ chose to be beaten and crucified for me, so that I wouldn't have to endure that kind of suffering for my sins. I remember breaking down, and blindly making the trip down the aisle to the music of "I Have Decided to Follow Jesus", and I had. At that moment, I accepted Christ into my life to be in control. I became "twice" a lady.

2. Are you three times a lady? Has God given you a stirring deep within your Spirit to be a 'deliverer'? Do you have a desire or are you already meeting a need in the life of the church, a particular ministry (such as jail ministry, food ministry, etc.) or perhaps individuals who share common issues?

In the past year, I have become three times a lady. (I can't seem to stop snickering when I think or type that phrase) I never thought that I would ever be a Sunday School teacher, but here I am teaching a ladies group every week. I never thought that I would be bold enough to lead a Bible study at work, but yet I am doing it. The strange thing about teaching is that I often say things during the lesson that I never intended to say, but I feel such an urging by the Holy Spirit that I just have to. The unplanned, unbidden words that fall from my lips during those times seem to be the most impactful to the women to whom I am speaking. It's the most addicting feeling in the world, to know that God is using me and I just want to experience it over and over again!

3. Do you ever get tired of waiting for that opportunity to do something
worthwhile for God? Do you ever feel God is using someone else instead of you?

I don't think that we have to wait....God presents opportunities to do His work all of the time. What I feel is disappointment in myself when I realize that I have let an opportunity pass me by because of my own disobedience or rebellion. I know that God accomplishes His will because He is sovereign, but I feel a great deal of shame when I look back and see how much I could have done if I had only been receptive and open to the Holy Spirit.

4. What do you consider 'worthwhile ministry'? Are you like me and sometimes find yourself mistakenly thinking it has to be Big to be Important?

I used to have the "why bother?" attitude regarding ministries that were seemingly small or not important. But then I came to the realization that anything and everything God calls us to do is important. I love the words to this song:

In the harvest field now ripened,

There's a work for all to do.

Hark, the voice of God is calling,

To the harvest calling you.

Does the place you're called to labor

Seem so small and little known?

It is great if God is in it,

And He'll not forget His own.

Little is much when God is in it.

Labor not for wealth or fame.

There's a crown and you can win it,

If you go in Jesus' name.

5. Have you ever taken a spiritual gifts test? If yes, what are yours? If no, here's a good one from Ephesians 4 Ministry. Will you take it and come back with a response? Knowing some of you like I already do, I can almost pick out what your gift is before you say it. I can't wait to see if I'm right!

I had never taken one before, so I clicked the link above and discovered that I have the spiritual gifts of teaching and service. The explanation of the gifts and how we can use them and not stumble into pitfalls was really interesting.

If you want to read more about the study, click here.

I AM -- Beautiful to God

What is your initial response when anyone suggests that you are beautiful?

It really depends on how I feel about myself at the time of the compliment. If I am making progress with my weight loss and feel good about my physical appearance, then I can graciously accept those kinds of compliments. When I feel fat and awkward, I feel as though everyone who makes such a comment must be lying. My husband finds this to be more than a little annoying, because he loves me fat or thin, sick or healthy, first thing in the morning or all made up for a date. His perception of me does not change, it's just my own insecurity rearing it's ugly head.

Do you find that you engage in a lot of negative "self-talk"? How much of your thought life does this form of thinking consume?

Again, the negative "self-talk" is directly linked to the amount of weight that I have lost or gained. If I am doing well in that area, I am must less apt to talk negatively about my appearance. It's like a defense mechanism...if I point out how fat I am, or how large my thighs are, etc, I am in control. I said it first, so if someone agrees with me or continues on with the subject of my weight, it doesn't seem as hurtful as if they had brought up the subject. I spend quite a bit of my time thinking about my weight, how to lose it, how I will look when I finally get rid of it, etc. It seems like every decision I make is somehow linked to my size...what to eat, what to wear, how I will look to others as I do my day to day activities.

Has it ever occurred to you that you are a City Girl? How do you plan to use this knowledge?

I've never really thought about it in that way, although I've always known that I was a child of the King. (Actually, when I read that phrase in the study, the first thing that popped into my mind was On the Banks of Plum Creek by Laura Ingalls Wilder. Laura and her sister were looked down on by some of the girls at school because they were "country girls" instead of "city or town girls") No matter what my physical appearance, it's encouraging to know that God thinks I'm beautiful. It's funny, because when I'm teaching Sunday School or bible study, it doesn't cross my mind that I'm overweight. I get so caught up in the Word and in what God has led me to say, that those sorts of things don't even register. Maybe that's the key....to fill me mind so completely with the things that are of God, and stay so busy being used by Him, that the value I put on my physical appearance takes a backseat to the value God puts on my soul.

(OK....I confess. I did the study last week after looking at the Round 1 version of this installment. This question is different from the new one, but I'm just going to leave it the way it is.....)

In what ways has your view of Godly beauty changed as a result of these scriptures?

This week's study and the scriptures that went along with it really made me think about what kind of beauty I am striving for. I'll never be ideal by the world's standards, but that sort of physical beauty should not be my focus. I'm not saying that I shouldn't take care of my body...it is a temple, after all. But my value is not determined by my weight, the condition of my skin and hair or the firmness of my body. I am valued by God because Jesus bore all of my ugliness for me. All I have to do is be obedient and live my life in such a way that the beauty of Christ shines through me. I want people to look at me and immediately see that I am a beloved child of the living God. I want the glory of His character to shine on my face and to be seen in my actions.

If you want to read more about the study, click here.

I AM -- Just In Time

I was reading the I AM study about how God intentionally places us where He wants us to be, and that we need to be responsive to the Holy Spirit so that we can be used. All I kept thinking about was a life-changing experience that I had as a young adult. This event was pre-children and pre-marriage. In a way, I gauge milestones (at least in my mind) by their relationship in time to this experience. Was it before or after?

I have forgotten so much since then, although I think some of that is a defense mechanism. But the most important thing about my story is how God worked out His plan in me, so here it goes...

When I was 19, I was diagnosed with cancer. More specifically, Nodular Sclerosing Hodgkin's Lymphoma, stage IIA.

I was attending Texas A&M University (whoop!), and it was the fall of my sophomore year. I was a microbiology major, so as you can imagine, I had a backpack crammed full of ridiculously over sized textbooks that I had to haul across campus from class to class. One evening as I was studying in my dorm room, I was rubbing my neck in an attempt to relieve some of the tension caused by all that weight and I stopped mid-rub. There was a mass of lymph nodes in my left neck. I can still remember the sensation under my fingertips as I tried to make sense of what I was feeling.

Looking back, I was abnormally sick that semester. I had never had the flu until that fall, and I was just not myself but I chalked it up to stress and college. I went to the campus quack shack where I was diagnosed with mono and sent back to my dorm with antibiotics.

I don't remember calling Mama and Daddy about the lumps in my neck, or the original appointment with my PCP, but I do remember the trip home for Christmas break knowing that my doctor had recommended a biopsy. It all seemed very surreal until I stepped inside my parent's house, decorated floor to ceiling with all of the familiar Christmas decorations and saw Mama. For the first (and next to last) time, I completely lost it. I sobbed on Mama's shoulder out of fear and the prospect of a completely unknown future.

I spent the days before the biopsy researching what might be causing my illness. Back in 1991, the internet was not at my fingertips, so I scoured our encyclopedias and health books. I had more or less self diagnosed myself with Hodgkin's, and remember reading that surgeons could often tell if it was Hodgkin's by the way the biopsied lymph node looked.

I went in for the biopsy on December 23rd, and remember waking up while being moved from the surgery table to the stretcher and asking the doctor if it was Hodgkin's, and then promptly falling back asleep. We spent our Christmas in Louisiana with family, and I vacillated between enjoying the extra attention, and being annoyed that there was a reason I was being coddled.

On New Year's Eve we received the call from the surgeon: the node was positive for lymphoma and I needed to make an appointment with an oncologist for treatment options. Actually, my mom received the call, and she drove over to Uncle Tellius' house to tell me. I am ashamed to admit that I was so determined to act as though it was no big deal that I was quite brusque with Mama and wouldn't allow myself to be hugged or comforted. Now that I am a mother, I can see that she needed to hold me and feel that I was still there. She needed comfort too.

So, it was decided that I would not return to A&M in the spring. Instead, I would have a staging laparotomy and splenectomy and spend my time receiving radiation treatment. So, a month to the day after my biopsy, I found myself on the oncology ward of the hospital recovering from surgery. I had an incision from mid-sternum to about 3 inches below my naval, and it was a horrific recovery. Remember I mentioned earlier that when I broke down in Mama's arms it was the next to last time I lost it? This was the last time.

I had been extubated, and had been receiving excruciating breathing treatments so prevent me from getting pneumonia (a possible death sentence to the spleenless) but I still wasn't being allowed anything to drink. I had reached my breaking point and I found myself in Mama's arms again, repeating over and over again that I was doing everything they asked and not complaining so why couldn't I have some water?

But, time passed and I slowly healed. I had 55 staples holding me together and when I was strong enough, I was taken down to the Radiation Oncology department to start the planning for my treatment. I had to lay on my recently opened stomach for about 45 minutes (and hold still) as they took films and drew on my skin. I can't even begin to describe the pain, although I am grateful for it now because it gives me a true sense of empathy for my own patients.

Anyway, after a series of admissions to the hospital for post-op infections and complications, I finally started my radiation to the neck, chest and abdomen. I had lost over 20 lbs in a matter of 2 weeks and I was skin and bones, but secretly excited that I was thin. (Forgive me, I was in college!) The radiation was a breeze compared to the surgery and I actually enjoyed the drive to Houston every day. For the first time ever, I had nothing to do. No school, no job; just getting better. Driving to my treatments got me out of the house for a few hours.

As my treatment came to a close, I begin to look to the future. Hodgkin's is very curable in it's early stages, and I needed to start thinking about going back to school and getting on with my life. As the realization that I was really going to get through this sank in I started feeling that I needed to somehow repay all of the kindness that had been shown to me. Not just a thank you card and a cake, but something life changing.

I realized that God puts us in the middle of difficult circumstances in order to prune us and to point us in the right direction. I wasn't meant to be a microbiologist....I was meant to serve God by healing other cancer patients. I asked my therapists for information about school and they procured a package of information from MD Anderson about their radiation therapy program. I applied and was accepted for the fall.

I was so excited about therapy school and couldn't wait for the summer to be over so I could begin the training that would allow me to do what I knew God had planned for me. I begin my classwork and clinical rotations and was more sure than ever that this was the right thing for me to be doing. I loved working with cancer patients and I loved the technical aspect of my job. At the risk of sounding conceited, I was good at it too. Everything came naturally to me and I excelled in my coursework.

Then around October, I began having night sweats. Soaking, drenching, (scary) have to get up and change my clothes night sweats. I was horrified, because this was one of the symptoms of Hodgkin's. With my original diagnosis, I had no classic symptoms of the disease (night sweats, unexplained weight loss, itching). I didn't tell anyone for a good while, because I was hoping that it would just go away. I soon realized that ignoring it wasn't going to work and I finally went to my oncologist for more bone marrow aspirations, CAT scans, bone scans and blood work.

She could not find any obvious disease that would be causing my symptoms, so she referred me to MD Anderson for additional testing. They immediately found a positive lymph node in my pelvis, and recommended chemotherapy for the recurrence. I was devastated. I went to the director of the therapy program with every intention of resigning from the program until my treatment was complete, but he encouraged me to stay in school so I did.

In January of 1993, the week after my 21st birthday I started chemo. By February I had lost all of my hair and decided that I just didn't care and walked around bald. Oh, the impetuousness of youth! I would never in a million years do that now, but I was working in an environment that catered to bald women carrying chemo bags, so I fit right in! I took chemo for 7 months and it was hard.

Hard to get up in the morning and go to class and clinic. Hard to force myself to take the horrid little pills at home, and to drink all of the water I was supposed to. (I couldn't drink bottled water for years after) Hard to watch the chemicals slowly dripping out of the bag into my veins, knowing that I would be throwing up soon, and then unable to eat for days because of the sores in my mouth and throat. Hard to watch all of my friends live normal lives while I was labeled "sick" and "weak". There were so many things that were hard about that time in my life, but the one thing that never changed was my conviction that God had a purpose for me.

Because of that knowledge and conviction, I made it through school, graduated in 1994 and was hired on at Anderson as a therapist. I have spent the years since ministering to my patients through kindness, empathy, and prayer. I love my job. I love it more knowing that God intended it for me. I love it that God has specifically put so many people in my path because He knew that I would be able to comfort them in a way that no one except a cancer survivor can.

So, there is my story. It's not complete...it would take too long to record all of the stories and memories associated with those 2 years, but this will suffice. When I let myself get discouraged, I just remind myself that God is in control and that He knows what He is doing. Even when it hurts. Even when we are being pruned for better fruit. Even when it feels as though we've been abandoned, He is achieving His purpose through us. We are always where God intends us to be, we just have to listen to what He is saying and then say, "Yes, Lord. Use me!"

The Psalm 91 Woman Conference

I am so excited! My fabulous sister-in-law invited me to attend a women's conference with her in October. Noel Piper will be leading it, and she will be speaking on the "Psalm 91 Woman". If you live in the DC area and are interested in attending click here. It will be held at Patrick and Ronna's church, Capitol Hill Baptist. I can hardly wait to fellowship specifically with Ronna and generally with so many other Christian women.

As an added bonus, Trevor and I had enough frequent flyer miles to get 2 plane tickets, so he will be spending the weekend with Patrick so we will both get a little vacation from the craziness that is our life! I am so blessed to be married to a man who loves my family and who enjoys spending time with my brother. I am equally blessed to have a sister-in-law who I love dearly!

If you are interested in attending the conference, I think the registration is closed to the general public until September the 2nd. The church wanted to give their members a chance to sign up before they opened it up to everyone. If you are able to attend, I would love to hear from you so we can actually meet in person! I feel like I know so many of you through our blogs and it would be really cool to meet you face to face and spend some time praising God together.

I am also excited about starting the "I AM" online bible study from The Preacher's Wife today. I just read the first lesson and I am trying to formulate the answers to the questions so that I can begin posting. Thanks to Faraja who got me interested in this study to begin with!