Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Torn

I have been praying for a really long time to have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom, and be available for my children and my husband. Trevor and I have looked at the budget, discussed the topic ad nauseum and made some financial decisions that would point us down that road.

When we moved to the Tulsa area we knew that my staying home hinged on selling our house in Texas and paring back some of our debt. It also depended on my working full time hours through the summer and fall so that we could save most of my paycheck against the time when I would not be needed to work. We knew that the full time hours would come to an end once I was trained, but we planned for a huge chunk of savings to be built out of those hours worked.

Funny how things don't work out the way we plan them.

We still haven't sold the house in Dayton, and as a result, all of the money we would have saved has gone towards that mortgage and now we are in a bind because we still need my full time income to meet our bills. I have been living in a dream with my abbreviated hours at work and being able to be at home when the kids stepped off the school bus in the afternoons. I have been blessed with the ability to take time off when the kids are out of school and it's been wonderful.

But now, it seems the dream is over. Although I am keeping my ECB (emergency call back) position with my current employer, I am now in need of a full time position. The hospital where I work had a full time position available, but I kept hoping the house would sell and I kept delaying making a move to apply and the position was filled. I put my name in the hat at the last minute, but for whatever reason the staff did not want me to work full time and chose another candidate.

So here I am with no work until the hospital needs me again to cover vacations in a week or two. I'm not complaining because that's what I signed up for when I took this job, but I really need to be working. I found another full time position posted at another hospital and was contacted yesterday to come in for an interview tomorrow morning. Do I need this job? Absolutely. Do I want this job? Not really. What I really want is to stay home, but in this case the need outweighs the desire.

I'm torn, because I really feel like my current job was answered prayer in terms of being more available to my family. If I pursue this new job am I effectively telling God that I don't trust Him to handle our finances and provide for us, or am I pursuing an opportunity that God has opened up for me? It's times like this that I feel like I'm adrift in the sea of spiritual discernment and I don't have clue which way to go. What is the right decision when both make sense?

7 comments:

Mocha with Linda said...

Oh my friend. I wish I had the ability to peer into the future and tell you. But then, that wouldn't be faith, would it?

I'm so sorry the house still hasn't sold in Dayton. How I wish you could stay PRN (or ECB as they call it there). I totally get where you're coming from regarding the discernment dilemma. I don't know if your last sentence was a rhetorical question or if you really want input, but I would just ask God to open and close doors and keep walking through them until they close.

He knows your heart. I think that unless you and Trevor both have a clear word from Him that He is calling you to a "blind faith" in His provision, it is wise to pursue what is opening to you. He closed the door to FT at the current hospital. He may close the door at the other one. . . or He may have a perfect situation that you are not even aware exists.

"He knows how we are formed; He remembers that we are dust." I don't think He looks at someone who is seeking His will and says "Nope, you picked the wrong door. Do not pass Go, Do not collect $200, and Do not think I'm going to be providing help for you now!"

Leah in Iowa said...

I wish I could tell you what to do, but alas, I can't. But I CAN pray for you, and that I will do. Gladly. =)

Crystal said...

Oh, Xandra! When I read your post I could feel the uncertainty and confusion!

I will be praying for you! I truly believe that if a woman desires to be in her home, God will provide for that.

God is faithful!

Donetta said...

Remember that God loves you more than you can begin to fathom.
Think outside of the box.

Carrie @ Cottage Cozy said...

Jesus knows your heart. Expect the unexpected and follow his lead....It may not be without much sacrifice...

Prayers with you, Carrie

Karen said...

I wish I had some answers for you. If you can't seem to make a decision, perhaps you're not done praying about it. Or its time to have faith that whatever direction you go, he'll take care of you.

I'll say a prayer that your house will sell!

Rosheeda said...

Praying, Xandra.